Rebuilding
by Trekkie Lmo
Summary: Voyager has returned to the Alpha Quadrant, but it hasn't been the happy ever after Kathryn Janeway was wishing for. J/C Chapter 11 complete (April, 2017). Updates to follow.
1. Chapter 1

There's a melancholy so deep it's impossible to rise from. It's the kind of penetrating sadness you know will never leave you.

It's borne from events that shape you so fundamentally they become part of the very essence of your soul.

But with the melancholy comes understanding and comparison. It gives you the gift of understanding what true happiness and contentment really is and why it's such a rare and precious thing.

Staring down at your newborn child, standing at the alter next to the love of your life, re-reading a book that defined your childhood, smelling your mother's perfume. They are all moments in time you never forget, moments which will bring you comfort in those times when the melancholy hits.

And, in a cruel twist of fate, if you are yet to experience those moments, they are the ones which will be most tinged by the sadness. Those are the times which will be bittersweet.

As a veteran of the melancholy, Kathryn Janeway knew exactly how her best friend, confidant and colleague was feeling before she knocked at his door that night.

Standing there in front of his door, she took a deep breath in - remembering her moments - and out - letting go of the sadness as best she could - ready to put her own feelings aside as she attempted to help him come to terms with his.

It had been a little over a year since their return to the Alpha Quadrant. And it had been 10 months since the death of his wife. Since the death of one of her closest friends.

It had hit the whole of the former Voyager crew hard. But no one as intimately and hideously as Chakotay.

Seven had been on a routine mission. Her first as a commissioned Starfleet officer. Lieutenant Annika Hansen had served such a short time, but she'd made them all so proud.

Assigned to a science vessel, she was testing out the same shielding technology she had developed on Voyager. No one could have predicted the power surge that had occurred when her ship had been fired on. And no one could save her when she was eventually found at her workstation, fatally wounded, 30 minutes after the attack.

The captain of her vessel had personally contacted Kathryn to tell her the news all those months ago. He'd had tears in his eyes as he explained that all turbolifts, sensors, transporters had gone offline when the attackers struck, leaving them dead in the water and unable to scan for injured. It didn't help that Seven, as she was still known to close friends, had that morning chosen a workstation deep in the bowels of the ship so she could work without the interruptions that would so often come her way in the engine room where she was chief.

The captain, who Kathryn knew had his own moments of melancholy as a survivor of Wolf 359, was a hardened soldier. He didn't cry easily. As he asked Kathryn if she wanted to inform Seven's husband herself based on her connection to the newlyweds, she could see he was battling for control of his emotions. She didn't want to ask just how bad it had been.

There had been no question of Kathryn allowing someone else to contact Chakotay to bring him the news. Of course she'd be the one to do it. Not only because in her new admiralty position she was still his commanding officer, but also because she knew what it was like to receive this news. She'd received this news too many times before.

She'd made the same pilgrimage that day 10 months ago as she had today. She'd left her office at Headquarters, walked down the road to a civilian transporter pad to give her time to formulate her words, to consider how to break the news, then on materialisation, she'd headed down the well-worn path to their house and knocked on the door.

She could hear Chakotay whistling as he headed down the hallway to the door and as he opened it, he'd smiled broadly to see who it was on the other side.

The smile was there only momentarily. He knew her too well. The moment he'd seen the expression in her eyes he knew what she was there to say. He'd simply said: "Come in, let's not do this on the doorstep". As he said the sentence Kathryn had seen a thousand emotions cross his face, from shock to terror, grief, determination and finally a command mask. He'd learnt the last one from the best. Her.

He didn't say anything as the words tripped from her tongue. In fact he didn't say anything throughout her visit. Even as she'd made him a cup of tea and watched him drink it. At the time she'd decided he just needed time on his own and had let herself out once he'd gone to sit in his garden.

Kathryn had sent him a message the next day to say that she was prepared to authorise him a leave of absence from his teaching position at the academy if he wished. He'd replied within seconds: "Thank you for the offer, but I wouldn't want to let the students down. I'll be in touch with memorial details in the next few days. Could I ask you to let the rest of the Voyager crew know about the situation. And please could I also ask you to perform the eulogy at the ceremony"?

She'd said it would be her honour to perform the solemn duty. And she'd headed over to the academy later that morning to see for herself how his class went. He showed no outward sign of distress. Only Kathryn would notice the dead look in his eyes as he taught his students the basics of just war theory.

That night was when he fell to pieces. She knew it would come. But she hadn't expected he'd come to her.

It had been a gruelling day. Just a month into her new position as the head of the academy she was uncovering a never-ending stream of problems that all seemingly needed sorting there and then. She'd thought she was busy on Voyager. Her days there had nothing when compared with this behemoth. She'd collapsed onto her bed in her tiny city apartment as soon as she'd walked through the door, and had been lying there for five minutes when her door chime sounded.

"Admiral, a Commander Chakotay is in the lobby for you, may I send him up?"

She'd immediately told the building's computer that it could allow Chakotay access to the turbolift and had sat up, straightened her hair and uniform and gone to her front door.

As it slid open the first thing she noticed was his eyes. Red-rimmed, tear-stained and totally defeated, they could have been a mirror for her own feelings two days after the death of her father and fiancée all those years ago.

She'd opened her arms to him and he'd rushed into her embrace, falling to his knees as the door slid closed behind him, silent sobs wracking his body. They'd stayed in that position, with him clinging to her hips, head buried in her stomach for what seemed like hours. Kathryn stroking his hair, whispering quietly to reassure him that this was normal, that it was good to cry, that what had happened was a terrible injustice, that she was there for him.

As she comforted him, the tale her future counterpart had told her before they had returned to the Alpha Quadrant haunted her. Kathryn had been so sure they'd cheated their way out of the terrible predictions her grey-haired counterpart had brought with her. But here was her best friend crumpled before her after the death of his beloved, just as described.

After that night, during which they'd lain together on her bed, still dressed in their uniforms as he cried, Chakotay shut down. He still went to work every day. But other than that he stopped meeting up with his friends from the former Voyager crew, never returned Kathryn's social calls - of course at work, he behaved as if all was normal - and went straight from work each day to his small cottage where he tended his garden, but refused to allow anyone to enter.

Yesterday Kathryn had received a call from Chakotay's sister. It was a totally unexpected communication. She hadn't spoken to Kathryn since the day of Seven's memorial.

"I think it's time you visited Chakotay at home, Admiral," Sekaya had said. "I haven't been able to reach him in weeks. I tried to visit again today. I know he's there but he won't answer the door."

Kathryn had reassured Sekaya that she'd visit the next day, to Sekaya's obvious relief.

"Thank you, Kathryn," the younger woman replied, swapping to the Admiral's first name. "I think you are the only one who can reach him. I think you are the only one who understands what he's going through at this point.

"The death of our father was beyond hard on him, but this is something else altogether. I've never seen him like this."

The words haunted Kathryn for hours after the communication ended. She'd heard those words before. From the mouth of her mother, talking about her. It had been after Justin and Daddy's death. That terrible crash.

Kathryn had walked into her parents' house after a day of sitting under her favourite tree. Her mother and her sister Phoebe had been sat at the kitchen table. She could see Phoebe holding her mother's hands over the table as Gretchen Janeway had begged her younger daughter to try and reach out to her older sibling.

"I don't know what else to do, Phoebe," the older Janeway woman had said. "I've tried everything. I think the only person who can help her through this now is you. I know you are hurting over Daddy's death too, but Kathryn needs you right now."

Kathryn had forgotten that conversation until yesterday afternoon. Her sister's intervention had always been one of her strongest memories of that terrible time, but that overheard moment had been stricken from her mind until Sekaya's call.

The vivid memory prompted Kathryn to contact Phoebe and organise to have dinner with her at their mother's house that night. The three Janeway women had spent all night talking about how to reach Chakotay, about how they could help. They'd made a plan and it was then up to Kathryn to set it in motion the next day.

It had all seemed so straightforward and easy as she'd sat at her mother's kitchen table. But now as she stood at that door she'd knocked on to deliver the terrible news all those months ago, she was nervous as hell. How would he react? Would he even let her in?

Taking another deep breath she took the plunge and rapped on the door using the gorgeous old door-knocker which sat in pride of place on the quaint cottage door. The noise sounded like gunshots in her head, making her breath catch in her throat.

Kathryn knew he was in there.

She knew the floorplan of the cottage off-by-heart. She'd been there when Chakotay and Seven had bought the house. She'd shared the champagne Chakotay had opened to mark the occasion. He'd made a toast to their "bright future".

It had been another bittersweet moment for Kathryn. She was thrilled for the new couple, but she was still struggling with their relationship, still finding it hard to bury her feelings for her former first officer. She'd smiled, praying the gesture reached her eyes, never wanting either of her friends to suspect she felt anything but elation for them. She'd even taken a date with her to the celebration, a nice guy called Stephen. They'd met on her first day back at work on Earth when she'd gone out to find a local coffee shop.

They'd dated for a few months after that, but the relationship fizzled out when he discovered the true extent of Kathryn's workaholic ways. They'd parted very amicably, and while Kathryn was saddened to lose the companionship, she actually relished being on her own.

She would never admit it to anyone else, but the fear of accidentally calling him by another name, or waking up next to him thinking he was someone else, only to discover he wasn't had become tiring and worrisome. If she couldn't have the man she loved, then she was better off alone. And there was no way she'd ever tell anyone of her secret. She loved him too much to destroy the happiness he'd so very evidently found.

After three knocks and 10 minutes, Kathryn decided it was time for Plan B. She tapped the commbadge on her chest.

"Janeway to Torres," she demanded of the technology.

"Torres here, Admiral. I assume we're at Plan B?"

"Yes, B'Elanna, I'm afraid we are," Kathryn said with a sigh. "Please begin as discussed."

Kathryn felt the tell-tale tingle and disorientation of the transporter beam as it carried her from one side of Chakotay's front door to the other. She had braced herself for the slim possibility she'd find Chakotay in the hallway. But all she saw as she materialised was the elegant, but empty room she knew so well with a pile of padds on the slim table next to the door and Seven's favourite coat still on the hatstand.

Kathryn made her way through to the cottage's kitchen. She instinctively knew where Chakotay would be and knew that she needed to make a few preparations before she headed towards him.

The kitchen still had Seven's favourite books on its small shelf, a picture of her and her aunt next to them, taken on the day they first met, and another of her parents which Kathryn herself had presented to her when she was first severed from the collective.

Kathryn suddenly understood why Chakotay had refused to let anyone into his home. He didn't want anything disturbed. It was all just as Seven had left it when she went on her last mission.

Tearing her eyes away from the photograph of Chakotay and Seven on their wedding day which was in pride of place on their living room wall, Kathryn filled the kettle from the tap and switched it on. She didn't need to search for the tea-making things. She knew this kitchen better than she knew her own. She'd spent almost as much time in this house in the early days of their return as she had her own utilitarian flat.

As the kettle boiled, Kathryn reflected on those early days. Everything had moved so fast after their return. Starfleet had obviously been preparing for their eventual return and despite their usual snail-paced bureaucratic processes, they'd swung into action to debrief the crew as quickly as possible. They were wary of the press interest in their return. It wouldn't have done to delay the processing of the returning heroes, especially in the aftermath of the war. The excitement of the Voyager crew's story was a welcome distraction from the Dominion threat and the legend of the Maquis crew which had proven itself so loyal to the 'fleet went down well with a public still angry over the loss of life during the war.

It became very obvious the admiralty wasn't about to let Kathryn back out into space. They needed her reputation to rebuild the trust of the public. They needed her on Earth. As a compromise for preventing her doing the one thing she really wanted - taking Voyager back out to deep space - they offered her any position she wanted. She'd chosen the job of running the academy knowing it was going to be a huge, distracting, worthwhile task. It was something that would keep her mind off the loneliness she felt on their return.

She hadn't expected Chakotay to take a teaching position, to be under her command once again. And she'd definitely not expected Seven to take on the chief engineer position on the Archimedes.

The pair was madly in love. She'd seen it when they'd landed. As the rest of the crew hugged each other, laughing, crying, making plans, Seven and Chakotay had eyes only for each other. Kathryn knew they hadn't been dating long, but obviously the connection between them was strong. So strong they were able to ignore the initially hostile reactions to their relationship.

B'Elanna, Tom and Harry were the fiercest critics. All three at some point in those early days while they were being debriefed cornered Chakotay about his decision to date Seven. Chakotay had laughed those awkward conversations off when he'd spoken to Kathryn about them during one of their still-regular coffee breaks.

"They don't have to understand," he'd said. "No one can understand a relationship by looking from the outside in. Their concerns aren't unfounded. I've worried about many of the things they've warned me of myself. But that's our risk to take, don't you think?"

Kathryn wanted to be supportive of her best friend and so she'd taken a sip of her coffee, brought her troubled mind into line and replied: "Yes, I agree. You do need to make sure you both know what you are getting into, but at the end of the day, Chakotay if you love each other then nothing else matters".

"I know you have concerns too, Kathryn, I know you too well not to see that look in your eye," he'd shot back. Damn, she'd been caught. At least he only saw half the truth. She'd have to work harder to conceal her other secret.

"I promise you, I will look after her," he'd continued, obviously deciding this was the main crux of Kathryn's concern.

"I've no intention of breaking her heart. This isn't a short-term or casual thing for me. I love the woman she's becoming and I genuinely think she feels the same way about me. If I'm honest, I'd say I'm more worried about her breaking my heart than the other way round.

"She's extraordinary. Kind, inquisitive, strong. In fact, she's got so much of you in her, Kathryn, you should be so proud of what she's learnt from you."

It was that one sentence that pierced Kathryn's heart, taking her breath away. She'd suddenly stood up, using her empty coffee cup as an excuse to break away from their tete a tete, swiftly turning away from him to go to her replicator, shielding her crumpled face from his view. She scrambled to pull herself together as she waited for the machine to produce a new, steaming cup of coffee for her and herbal tea for him. She'd managed to finish the conversation without bursting into tears, but she had no idea how. Chakotay's lovestruck babble had bubbled away in the background as she'd tried to process her thoughts and feelings for him.

It took two days for her to finally get her head together enough to be able to cope with seeing them together again. And it was that day they finally touched down on Earth soil. It was that day Chakotay asked Seven to marry him.

It had been a small ceremony in the garden of the very house Kathryn now stood in. She'd led Seven down the aisle in the stead of her long-dead father. It was an emotional day and Kathryn had handed Seven to her best friend with great love. She could see how happy they made each other and, as she'd later detail in her personal log, if you love someone you want what's best for them.

The kettle started to whistle, jostling Kathryn out of her reverie. She looked out the window towards the arbour Chakotay and Seven had exchanged their vows under. It was a gorgeous spot. A statue now stood on the very ground where the newlyweds had exchanged their first married kiss. It was of Voyager herself. Kathryn had never seen the statue before; it must have been a recent addition. It was stunning.

Busying herself making the final preparations for the two cups of tea she needed, Kathryn mentally prepared herself for the conversation she was about to have. She thought back to the intervention her sister had undertaken in those days after the death of Daddy and Justin.

"You've spent enough time in bed, Kathryn," Phoebe had said, wrenching the pillows out from Kathryn's head. "Time to get up and start living again."

It hadn't been an easy process; Phoebe had worked hard to pull her out of the melancholy. Now it was Kathryn's turn to help someone else in the same way.

She walked towards Chakotay's bedroom with the tea tray in her hands.

The door was open, but Chakotay's head was hidden under the covers of his bed. The room was dark and it smelt of him. A dark, earthy smell. Not unpleasant, just very masculine. It smelt of sleep.

Kathryn gently placed the tray on the dresser, noticing a pair of Seven's shoes strewn next to it. She walked slowly toward the bed, watching for signs of life form its occupant. She knew Chakotay was breathing, she'd had B'Elanna check on his lifesigns earlier that morning, but she was hoping she wasn't going to need to force him up. She was hoping he'd surface of his own accord.

As she gingerly approached, the lump under the covers suddenly squirmed and cried out. Kathryn froze, waiting to see if he settled or wok. He settled again. She suddenly decided on a different course of action, smartly tuning on her heel toward the window, loudly whipping open the curtains, a loudly proclaiming: "Time to get up, Chakotay! We've got things to do today".

The lump was obviously startled into wakefulness, a head whipping out from under the covers. The face that appeared left Kathryn staring. His hair was suddenly greying, sticking out on all sides where it had grown too long, his eyes were angry, and he had a scowl that would have his cadet students running away screaming.

"Go away," he bellowed. "What are you doing breaking into my home? You aren't wanted here."

Kathryn had prepared for this reaction.

Phoebe had counselled her to expect it. When it was her turn for an intervention, Kathryn's sister had warned her that if she didn't get out of her bed, she'd take extreme measures, and she had. Kathryn had found herself drenched with water. When they'd discussed it last night, the sisters had laughed at the incident. But Phoebe had warned her that it wasn't funny at the time. She been desperate and did the only thing she thought would work: shocked her stubborn older sibling into submission.

"No, Chakotay," Kathryn said, equally loudly, pulling the covers which he'd gone to pull over his head once more, away from his body. "You need to get up and face the world. People are worried about you, and you've got people depending on you. You need to get up, drink a cup of tea, and then we're going out for lunch."

Chakotay made to grab the covers out of Kathryn's hands. She could see he wasn't wearing a whole lot under there. She used that as a weapon. "I wouldn't do that if I were you, Mister. I'm not afraid to walk out of here with the covers in their entirety," she said, gesturing with her eyes to the lower half of his body, making it clear that she had no respect for his modesty.

Chakotay flopped back onto the pillows and groaned. "Fine. If I get up, will you leave me alone?"

Kathryn took this as a good sign. Her annoying interference was working. She scooped up one of the cups of tea from the tray and walked back towards her friend. "Here, drink the tea and get up. I'll be waiting for you in the kitchen. You've got 20 minutes to shower and dress. We've got reservations in the city at 1pm and we will be getting there on time."

Chakotay sat up, took the cup of tea and glared at her.

"Chop, chop, Commander, don't make me put you on report."

Before he could retort she swung around, grabbed the tea tray with its remaining mug and walked swiftly out of the room, nudging the door shut behind her so he had at least some privacy while he gathered himself together.

As she got back to the kitchen benchtop, placing the tray down, Kathryn realised she was shaking. "The worst is over," she muttered to herself quietly. "He's cross, that's a start."

Kathryn grabbed her mug of tea and, pausing slightly to check she could hear Chakotay getting up, she headed out to his garden. As she closed the door behind her, she heard the shower turn on and she sighed in relief.

With a picture-perfect lawn, patio and flowerbeds, Chakotay's garden was stunning. It reminded her of their little New Earth patch where they had toiled so happily day after day. She took a deep breath, appreciating the gentle sunshine and delicate aroma from the flowers, gaining strength and determination from the sheer lifeforce evoked by the beautiful setting.

"Kathryn," she heard him call from the backdoor, "Kathryn." She stood up and regretfully walked back toward the house.

"Yes, Chakotay" she said in a challenging voice.

"I'm really not feeling very well. I'm not sure I'm up to lunch. Why don't you head off and get someone else to go," Chakotay said in a voice that sounded sulky and cross.

"No, Chakotay," Kathryn insisted, placing a hand over his heart, "We're going together. I miss my best friend. We have things to discuss. I need you."

It was a low blow. She knew he couldn't turn down a plea for help. It was the ultimate in emotional blackmail, but she was desperate. It was the only thing she thought would work. A flashback to her sister dumping water over her head came unbidden to the front of her mind.

"Fine. Let's go, but I need to be back here early, I've got things to do," he said, trying to sound business like.

Kathryn knew it was a lie. She'd checked with his aide at the academy. He had no classes this weekend, and since he'd stopped doing anything outside of work, he had no social events to attend to either. But she let the lie pass. She had a bigger agenda to follow. One step at a time.

Placing her tea mug into the stone sink, Kathryn walked to the front door, waiting for Chakotay to gather himself together and put a jacket on to protect him against the slight chill in the Spring air. His slow movements highlighted just how unwell her friend was. He looked as if he'd aged 20 years in just 10 months.

Their short journey to the public transporter was silent, as was their walk to the restaurant Kathryn had chosen for lunch. It was a little bistro in the heart of Paris. Chakotay looked surprised that she'd chosen a location so far away from her home base.

"I thought we'd come somewhere a little anonymous," Kathryn replied to his unspoken query, indicated with a raised eyebrow. He nodded, clearly understanding what was about to happen and knowing his friend wasn't going to take no for an answer.


	2. Chapter 2

The sun seared Kathryn's bare shoulders as she hitched her long skirt up with her hands. She wasn't used to being out of uniform, but she'd promised her mother that she'd be dressed "appropriately" for the party.

It was the height of Summer and the Indiana weather was merciless on her pale skin, more used to a Starfleet office than farming land.

The walk from the public transport wasn't far, maybe half a kilometre, but wearing heels, a floor-length skirt and a frilly white lace top, Kathryn was supremely uncomfortable, hot and bothered. Trust her mother and Chakotay to organise an operatic fundraiser in a field.

After their lunch two months ago, the Janeway trio's plan to rehabilitate Kathryn's best friend had swung into full action.

Gretchen had insisted Chakotay move in with her temporarily. A neutral place where he could be alone yet still supervised, away from the home so filled with his dead wife's things. Kathryn had been firmly told by her mother and sister that after that initial intervention, she was to leave Chakotay in their care, visiting only when given permission. She'd barely seen him in the past eight weeks, only allowed a coffee with him, supervised by her mother, once a fortnight at best.

Phoebe had organised a counsellor to see Chakotay every morning and for a different friend to pop by most afternoons. Gretchen had cooked, cleaned his clothes and taken him as her escort to the various social events she flitted around.

Kathryn tried not to be upset by the way her mother and sister had commandeered her friend, knowing it was best for him, giving him a proper chance of recovering, but she missed him now more than ever. It seemed like too long since she'd spent proper time with him.

Distracted by her thoughts, Kathryn stumbled over a rough patch of grass. But before she hit the deck, a strong pair of hands grabbed her by the waist from behind, steadying her as she recovered her footing.

Squealing in surprise, Kathryn spun to see who it was that had her captive. She came eye-to-eye with chocolate brown eyes she knew better than her own reflection.

"Chakotay," she exclaimed. "What are you doing out here? I thought Mom had you on meet and greet duty for the brass!"

"She does, but I think these days, Admiral, you count as brass," he shot back with gentle humour.

Kathryn stared at Chakotay's face, dumbfounded. It had been three weeks since she last saw him and he looked so different. Gone was the pale pallor, skin and bones body, dead eyes and grey hair. They were replaced by the handsome face and tanned, muscular body she remembered from her days on Voyager. Who knew two months with her mother was the equivalent of an extreme makeover?

She stumbled over her words, still reeling from the apparent change in her friend: "Um, well, thanks for the hand. I know attending one of my mother's parties is going to end in serious injury to my person at some point, but it's good it didn't happen when there was no one to watch, much better I tumble into a group of dignitaries in front of the press," Kathryn said, grimacing at the upcoming ordeal and trying to dispel the tension that had suddenly come over the her as she realised he was still hold onto her waist.

Chakotay looked down at his hands and suddenly let go of her as if he too had only just noticed he was holding onto her.

"Oh come on, Katie, you never know, you might enjoy this party. I did have some influence on its organisation you know."

Kathryn looked at him in compete shock. He'd never called her Katie before. That had to be her sister's influence. But before she could call him on it, a voice came loud and clear from the field in front of them.

"Kathryn, Chakotay, don't dawdle over there, we have guests to entertain!" Gretchen Janeway, matriarch, had spoken. It was time for Kathryn to put her game face on. She hit her best friend lightly on the arm as he laughed at her evident discomfort, nonetheless traipsing behind him as he moved toward the loud gathering.

The Admiral had to admit her former first officer and her mother made a formidable team. The field had been transformed into an outdoor arena including stage, tiered seating and a wonderland of fairground-type rides.

The credits raised from the event would be going toward the Starfleet veterans' fund a cause which Kathryn supported wholeheartedly. There were many of the former Voyager crew, including herself, that benefitted from their work, helping officers recover from trauma and shock. After the war, the charity had been busier than ever and the demands on its counselling staff were expensive. Events like the one that day were essential in keeping the good work going.

As she and Chakotay entered the field, Kathryn found herself in great demand, but Admiral Owen Paris had spotted them first, calling over to them to join him. He had little Miral in his arms, the tot happily laughing at the funny faces he was pulling at her.

Kathryn revelled in the sight of the stiff, formal Starfleet soldier who was clearly completely wrapped around his granddaughter's little finger. Freeing up one arm to scoop Kathryn to him, the Admiral stole a kiss on her cheek.

"So lovely to see you, Kathryn. You look stunning. It's wonderful to see you out of uniform for once."

Admiral Paris had always chided her for working too hard, but the all-out praise for her appearance made Kathryn blush, he'd never been this effusive before. She suspected his new-found familial happiness had softened him.

"Chakotay, good to see you out and about again. Gretchen tells me this is all your idea. Perhaps we need to have you leave the Academy and run the veterans' fund. This is quite the spectacle young man."

Chakotay glowed at the praise. He was clearly very proud of what he and Gretchen had achieved.

"Thanks, Admiral. I've really enjoyed the challenge of helping Mrs Janeway organise it all, but she's the brains behind the operation, I was just along for the ride."

Pausing for just a fraction of a second, he added: "Before it gets too busy, I just wanted to thank you for your message and visit a couple of weeks ago, Owen. It meant a lot and it gave me a lot to think about."

Kathryn couldn't help herself, her head snapped around to look at Chakotay, with her mouth agape, as the words tumbled out in a somewhat self-conscious way, as if he hadn't really wanted to bring the topic up in front of her but didn't have a choice.

But before she could ask what he was talking about, Admiral Paris replied: "That's what crusty old men like me are for, Commander. Believe it or not, I understand. My door is always open to you if you want to talk further, meanwhile, keep seeing Deanna. She's the best the fleet has got."

The mention of a "Deanna" came as another shock for Kathryn. Surely he couldn't mean Deanna Troi? Her friend Will's wife?

"I will, Owen, thank you," Chakotay said. "Kathryn, we better head your mother's way or she'll kill me. I promised her I'd deliver you to her, ready for you to take your orders."

Admiral Paris laughed at that pronouncement, grabbed Kathryn again, giving her a kiss on her other cheek just as Miral patted her on the arm. "Look after yourself, Kathryn. Keep getting out of that uniform as often as you can."

Miral then piped up: "Kat, Kat see soon."

All three of the adults laughed as Kathryn ruffled the youngster's hair and she and Chakotay moved out into the crowd.

The glad-handing seemed to go on forever, Kathryn being passed from dignitary to dignitary, offering media comment on at least eight different issues and posing for holo-images until she thought her jaw was stuck in the unnatural smile for the rest of her life.

She hadn't noticed when Chakotay had slipped away from her side until one of the reporters asked her if the rumours were true.

Kathryn had turned to see Chakotay's reaction to the question. The reporter was only doing her job, but it was a question Kathryn had been dreading coming up today. Luckily he wasn't there, so she was able to tackle the issue without worrying about how he would cope with the attention at that second.

A few weeks ago a report had emerged in the press based on a leaked log from the time she and Chakotay had been stranded on New Earth. Kathryn had no idea where the leak had come from, but she would gladly kill whoever had done it. It was the last thing Chakotay needed right now, and so much of what the press wrote about it was untrue.

"Admiral, are the rumours about you and your former first officer true? Were you having an affair in the Delta Quadrant and is it true that the Commander's wife found out just before she left on the mission that claimed her life?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and said: "No, they aren't true. Yes, the Commander and I were stranded for several weeks on a planet in the Delta Quadrant, but no, we weren't having an affair while we worked together.

"And while we're on the subject, I think it's in very poor taste for anyone to intrude into the Commander's grief over the death of his wife, so this is the last time I will comment on this issue."

Gathering her long skirt up once again, Kathryn batted off the remaining reporters who were clamouring for comment, saying: "I think that's enough now, thank you, it's time for the main event and I know none of you will want to miss the incredible performers lined up for the evening, after all, we're all here for the charity aren't we".

Trying not to let her upset show, Kathryn put on her finest Admiral's face, dropped her skirt so it once again skimmed the floor, squared her shoulders and, as elegantly as she could manage in the unwieldy heels she sported, walked toward the seating to enjoy the opera.

But inside her mind wouldn't quiet down.

She hadn't lied to the reporter. They hadn't had an affair while they worked together, but New Earth had been different and her answer was stretching the truth.

The events during those few weeks on that plant in the middle of nowhere were a secret only she and Chakotay shared. The logs didn't reveal what had happened between them. They'd agreed they'd leave out anything of a personal nature, arguing between them that it was no one's business but theirs.

She had no idea if Seven knew about what had happened on New Earth. She doubted it though. Chakotay would have told her if he was going to break the silence they had agreed on all those years ago.

Once they had returned to the ship they'd both realised the spell had been broken, that regulations and protocols had to come first or they risked the lives of the crew.

She didn't regret the decision they made, but it was one of her deepest sadnesses, one of the things that added to her melancholy on the long, lonely nights when she couldn't still her overworked brain enough to sleep. She had - still did - loved him, even if she couldn't be with him.

Her only regret was their decision to stay silent meant the leak came at such a bad time for Chakotay. The public spotlight on their friendship was uncomfortable and intrusive for her, but she couldn't imagine how much it must be hurting Chakotay at this juncture.

They hadn't spoken since the reports had first appeared. It was one of the topics she was hoping to broach with him later tonight when they were both staying at her mother's house after the benefit.

Once again, Kathryn was knocked out of her reverie, this time by the very man she was thinking about.

"Are you okay, Kathryn," he whispered into her ear as he perched on the edge of the seat next to her, reserved for another admiral yet to appear. He was clearly aware they were being watched.

"Yes, of course I am," she replied, quietly, but with a smile on her face. The smile didn't reach her eyes and she knew he could tell, so she added: "I just got asked about some rumours that are doing the rounds and it threw me a little. But it's nothing I can't handle".

It occurred to her that he might not know of the rumours, that perhaps somehow he'd been sheltered from them. She wasn't about to be the one to tell him when they were in public. If he was unaware it was better that he stay that way until the benefit was over and he could face that reality in private.

His next sentence shattered that view, spoken quietly into her ear it cut straight to her heart.

"Don't handle this on your own, Kathryn. I'm sorry you're dealing with it, but you don't have to protect me from it. You and I know we did nothing wrong."

He looked her straight in the eye. She could see how hurt he was. But there was something else too that she couldn't put her finger on. He was trying to protect her, was that it?

"Can we talk about it later," she whispered back. "Let's just try and enjoy this incredible feat of organisation you and Mom have put together first?"

He smiled genuinely at her: "Sure, that would be great. Are you really looking forward to it?"

"Of course! How could I not be, the whole thing is just amazing. I'm in awe of what you've both done in such a short timeframe. Look at all the people around us – they are having a ball."

At her comment he scanned the audience. She was right. There wasn't a single person without a broad smile on their face, or without a drink in their hand.

"Talking of balls," he said with a cheeky smile on his face, something that eight weeks ago she'd feared she'd never see again, "I hope your dance card for later tonight isn't completely full."

She laughed lightly, touched him on the arm and assured him: "Nope, I'm still hoping for the lead singer to take me for a spin. Why, were you offering yourself up as a partner?"

Just at that moment Kathryn's neighbour for the evening turned up to claim his seat. Chakotay felt the hand of the admiral he had usurped on his shoulder and smiled politely up at its owner as he raised his body from the edge of the temporary seat.

"I apologise, Admiral, I just had one or two things to check with Admiral Janeway before her speech later. Do have a lovely evening both of you," squeezing Kathryn's naked shoulder as he departed.

The skin-to-skin contact made Kathryn shiver before she mentally chided herself for letting it affect her. Those feelings had long been buried and they needed to stay that way for Chakotay's sake.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Clasping her hands behind her back, hoping no one could see the way they shook, Admiral Kathryn Janeway stood in front of the by-now slightly inebriated crowd.

The opera had been incredible, with the doctor leading the cast so expertly it was hard to imagine there was a ever a time he was "just a hologram". But now it was up to her to make the final formal remarks of the day before dinner and dancing began for the 200 guests who had purchased the most expensive tickets of the night and the other 300 were politely asked to leave the venue.

On her promotion to the admiralty, Kathryn had been given public speaking lessons, alongside her press training. That didn't make speaking at these events any easier. It was terrifying to stand up in front of such a big crowd. The Borg Collective felt like a minor bump in the road in comparison.

Kathryn took a deep breath and began: "Welcome friends. I'm sure you are questioning why you are hearing from me right now rather than the night's organisers Gretchen Janeway and Commander Chakotay. I'm sorry for that, but they both chickened out and left me to do the honours, thanking you for supporting such an incredible cause."

A polite smatter of laughs and applause met her opening statement, but the crowd fell silent as she continued, trying not to feel Chakotay's eyes on her as she spoke.

"More seriously, I'm sure many, if not all of you, know why we are all here today. This soiree is for our dear friend and family member Annika Hansen. It's a year today since we lost our wonderful crewmate and Chakotay lost his darling wife.

"The Commander has asked me to tell you how deeply touched he is by how many people have turned out to donate money to the veterans' fund in her name.

"Annika was a kind, generous, loving, complex and super-intelligent woman. She astounded all of us with her recovery after her release from the Borg. From terrifying enemy, to best friend; if the story of her life were a novel we'd struggle to believe it. But then, as we all know, real life is always stranger than fiction.

"We weren't lucky enough to have the company of a counsellor on board our little Voyager during our sojourn in the Delta Quadrant, and it was something Annika fought for as essential for the health of Starfleet crews during her debriefing following the mission.

"She was passionate about ensuring future missions, no matter how short, had a member of staff capable of providing emotional support for the crew every step of the way.

"We all know the full-time services of a counsellor on board a starship are expensive, but as Startleet has learnt many times in the past few years, my mother Gretchen Janeway, chairwoman of the veterans' fund, is not a woman to be trifled with lightly and I'm pleased to announce today that as a result of her nagging, the fleet has agreed that from now on we've got what Mother and Annika wanted.

"A counsellor for every manned mission.

"The fund has pledged to pay for 50 per cent of the costs, and so I'm afraid evenings like this will need to be a regular feature of your diaries, we do hope they won't be too much of a chore for you," Kathryn finished her sentence with a beautific smile and the crowd roared with approval.

It was little surprise this proved to be a popular announcement given the guests had been handpicked by Gretchen from her too-full little black book of Starfleet social contacts, garnered from 50 years of being an admiral's wife. There was not a single person among the crowd who didn't understand what a big difference the change would make.

The press holo-imagers whirred as Kathryn called for quiet so she could finish what she had to say.

"I can't think of a more fitting tribute to Annika than to make this announcement today and I thank my admiralty colleagues for taking such a big leap forward based on trust alone that we can make the Starfleet Veterans' Fund great again.

"We've come a long way in regards to the treatment of trauma and it's a testament to that progress that I am able, as a fleet admiral, to stand here today and openly discuss my own battle with it without fear it will affect my position. That's just as it should be. Now our next steps need to be to ensure all Starfleet personnel can get the same help I have had without worrying about the cost."

Kathryn took another deep breath, pausing before she moved on, trying to bring her emotions back into check. it had been hard for her to admit her own illness. Her mother and sister were the only ones that knew she'd been seeing someone to help her.

She'd never even told Chakotay.

"Now, that's enough of the serious stuff. It is my great pleasure to announce that dinner is almost ready to be served and on behalf of all those who have organised, sponsored and featured in tonight's event, do have a wonderful time as we dance the night away."

The crowd began to murmur, looking forward to their feast, but she had one more thing she wanted to say.

"Before everyone heads off to enjoy their starters, please may I propose a toast," she called out. All eyes were back on her.

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes as she caught Chakotay's face in the wings of the stage. Her toast was not scripted. Kathryn bent down to pick up the glass of champagne she'd placed on the stage floor as she'd walked on.

"To Lieutenant Annika Hansen. Annika!"

it was a sight to be seen as 500 people followed her lead, "Annika!"

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Dinner with an admiral at the table was a pre-requisite expected at any of her mother's charity events, Kathryn knew. But by half way through the - admittedly delicious - main course, she'd had enough of being polite.

All conversation around the table was about Voyager and the crew's hero status, with the 11 paying guests Kathryn had been ordered to entertain by Gretchen wanting nothing less than a full potted history of every encounter the ship had over the seven years she was in the Delta Quadrant.

The problem is that this was the same whenever Kathryn attended a fleet event. She'd got the one-hour version down pat, but it bored her silly. And it left out all the bits she actually did find it interesting to talk about - her wonderful crew. She'd quickly learnt that Naomi's many accomplishments at school, Neelix's best recipes and Tom's incredible holodeck programs may fascinate her, but it was the battles outsiders want to know about.

Just how fearsome were the Hirogen? Were the Vidiians as awful as they sounded? And did the Malon really smell as bad as everyone claimed?

Of course, being the perfect officer and hostess, Kathryn smiled and played along gamely. However, when she saw Tom Paris headed her way, she was pathetically relieved. She excused herself from the conversation she was engaged in. "So, Admiral, do tell me exactly what did it feel like to be assimilated..."

"Ah, I'm sorry, Mr Jackson, but it looks like Mr Paris needs me, would you forgive me for a few minutes?" Kathryn had placed a gentle hand on Mr Jackson's arm, giving him the slightly lopsided smile she'd become famous for. It melted the otherwise too-demanding-by-half, and really quite rude, man immediately.

"Oh, of course, Admiral, but hurry back!"

Trying not to grimace, Kathryn said: "I will!" As if she had a choice with half a chicken breast cooling on her plate and another course to come. She just prayed they'd serve coffee at the end of the meal.

She stood to accept the kiss on her cheek Tom offered her. "Mr Paris, so lovely to see you," she began, turning toward her table preparing to introduce Tom to the 11 people sat around it. But he stopped her before she got any further.

"Admiral," he said quietly into her ear, "your presence is required elsewhere for a minute, if I could grab you?"

Curious, Kathryn looked into Tom's eyes to see if she could figure out what it was he wanted. Was there something wrong? "Is Miral okay?"

"Oh, yes, yes," Tom reassured her with a broad smile. " Everyone is okay, we just need to borrow you," he said, more loudly so the guests could hear him.

Dropping his voice to a whisper into her ear again he added: "And may I say, you are looking lovely this evening. Dad said you looked stunning. He wasn't exaggerating. All your clothes should be strapless."

He knew he was going to get a slap for his insolence later, Kathryn surmised, but she couldn't help but be incredibly flattered by the younger man's comment and so simply raised her eyebrow and replied: "Thank you, Mister Paris, but perhaps it's a wise idea that I keep the pips of an admiral on me at all times just to remind you of where I sit in the pecking order?"

Tom laughed, taking Kathryn's arm as he did so, leading her away from the table and toward the edge of the enormous marquee that had been erected for the evening.

As they exited the confines of the giant tent, Kathryn could see a little gathering of people ahead of her, right near the entrance to her mother's house. She knew it was the Voyager crew as soon as she spotted Miral in her mother's arms.

Chakotay rushed forward to meet Kathryn and Tom, pulling Kathryn into a hug. Quietly, so Tom couldn't hear what he said, Chakotay whispered: "Thank you for what you said tonight. She'd have been so proud to hear you talk of her like that."

Before she could react or reply, he added so everyone could hear: "Ladies and gentleman, Admiral on deck!"

The crew laughed as Chakotay continued: "Now we've got our final member of crew here, I just wanted to take this moment to privately thank Gretchen for all she has done to organise this event and I thought nothing could be more appropriate than for the Voyager crew to raise a toast in her honour as well as for Seven."

Chakotay took a slightly shuddering breath and Kathryn found herself touching his elbow willing him the strength to keep going.

"To Gretchen, who treats us all as her children!" The crew laughed again as Gretchen came forward and Kathryn gave her a hug, proud of her mother and all she did for her crew.

"To Gretchen," came the voices of the Voyager crewmen assembled.

"And to Seven," Chakotay said, "Our wonderful friend."

"To Seven!"

As the toasts came to an end, Gretchen piped up, breaking up the moment so no tears would be shed: "Now, all of you, back to your tables, you have people to keep happy, and for goodness sake, make sure you dance!"

Kathryn dawdled behind as the rest of the crew eagerly made their way back to the marquee for dessert, desperate to avoid Mr Jackson for just a few more seconds. Gretchen caught her daughter's hand and said, mostly for the benefit of those still standing at the doorway: "Come with me, darling. I just wanted to show you something inside."

Kathryn felt a sense of foreboding. The last time her mother had done this was when she was a teenager and she and Mark, who she knew then as Hobbes, had got into trouble on Mars.

As soon as they stepped into the house, Gretchen swooped her dumbfounded daughter into a hug.

"I am so proud of you, Kathryn."

"Er, thanks, Mom, but what, exactly have I done?" Kathryn tried to step away from her mother's embrace, entirely surprised by the praise when she had been expecting a lecture about not being nice enough to the 11 people on her table.

"That speech, Kathryn Janeway, it was perfect. Chakotay needed to hear those words from you. And the way you broke our good news, it was just wonderful I really couldn't have done it as well myself. Your father would be delighted were he here today."

Curiouser and curiouser, Kathryn couldn't fathom why her mother was being so effusive. It was very out of character for the usually stern and exacting, if kind-hearted and generous matriarch.

"Okay, mother, out with it. What's up? While I'm thrilled you are happy, there's something not right here. What aren't you telling me?"

"Why are you so suspicious, Kathryn? Does there have to be 'something up' for me to be pleased with you?"

Kathryn looked at her mother and folded her arms in front of her: "Yes".

"Oh okay. But just so you know, I wasn't lying . The speech as perfect…" Kathryn held up her hand stopping her mother. "Spit it out, Mom".

Gretchen Janeway took a big breath. "Chakotay needs to talk to you tonight. And you need to listen," before Kathryn could stop her mother again to say she always listened, Gretchen barrelled on and swatted her daughter's arm down.

"And don't interrupt him the way you are interrupting me now. That's not listening." Kathryn shuddered as she recognised the glare her mother was giving her was the same one she used when dressing down a cadet at the academy.

"He's doing well, Kathryn, but there are things he needs to discuss with you before he can move on to the next stage. I know we've kept you away from him and that's probably been hurtful, but he's a man more complex than I think even you realise and it's going to take a long while yet before he's completely back on his feet." Gretchen put her finger to her lips as Kathryn once again went to interrupt.

"Shush, Kathryn. Trust me, you'll get your turn to speak, but we need to head back to the party now before we are missed. I just wanted you to be prepared for when he comes to you. It won't be easy for him and you need to let him get this stuff off his chest."

Kathryn waited for a second to see if her mother was going to say anything more, pausing dramatically as if she were a teenager all over again.

"Can I speak now?"

"Oh, Kathryn, you aren't 16 anymore, you're an admiral of the fleet for goodness sake, don't behave like a child."

"Thanks, Mother, I think I had grasped that," Kathryn said, lightly, letting Gretchen know she was in jest, "Whatever it is he has to say, I'll listen. And thank you for looking after him. I know it can't have been easy watching him the way you watched me all those years ago."

She enveloped her mother into a big hug as she finished, tears in both their eyes.

"Oh, now stop, Kathryn, you'll make me smudge my make-up and we've got a job to do still. Head back to that table, young lady, and play nicely with Mr Jackson."

"I knew it! Mother, you put him on my table on purpose, didn't you!"

"You'll never know, Admiral, now scoot!"


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The music felt as if it were making her heart beat as she was whirled around the light-filled dance floor. For just that minute she was an expert ballroom dancer, light on her feet, watched by no one and perfectly content.

Tuvok really knew how to waltz.

Why the fact that a Vulcan had such a wonderful dance floor technique still surprised her after all these years, Kathryn had no idea. It was only logical, after all, that her old friend learnt social skills that would make life easier for him when dealing with Starfleet events. Or so he told her. Secretly Kathryn believed he just loved the music, especially as most of the paying guests had left by now leaving just those of the Voyager crew without children or responsibilities first thing the next morning.

As he brought her into a twirl, she looked over Tuvok's shoulder - admiring the new captain's pips on his collar as she did so - to see his wife being swung around the floor expertly by Chakotay. She caught his eye as he overtook her and Tuvok.

Kathryn tried to read the look in his eye, but unusually couldn't grasp what it was she saw at all. That unnerved her. She always knew what he was thinking. She knew his moods as well as her own. Sometimes better. When had understanding him stopped being as easy as breathing?

Something had definitely changed in him, beyond the fallout from Seven's death. He had fundamentally changed in these past few weeks somehow. She just wished she could pinpoint what it was. And her mother's gentle nudge about listening to him had her even more on edge than a red alert.

The music came to a lilting stop and Tuvok gently let Kathryn go, thanking her, as politely as ever, for the dance. He could never know how much she hadn't wanted the moment to end. He was so reassuring, strong and so very calming. She'd missed him while he was recuperating on Vulcan and she'd miss him once again when he returned in a day or two. He'd come to Earth especially for the benefit, not daring to disobey Gretchen Janeway's command, sorry invite, to attend.

Chakotay led T'Pel over to join Tuvok and Kathryn after their dance. The evening had come to a close and it was time for the guests to make their way to the transport.

"Thankyou for the dance, Commander," said Tuvok's wife, as stiff and formal as her husband and yet eminently friendly somehow. "It was lovely to talk again and to hear of your plans. I do hope to read your next paper upon your return to the academy."

Kathryn felt her face split into a wide grin as she heard this. He was going to come back to work. That was incredible news. She turned to look at Chakotay who had obviously been looking to see what her reaction would be to T'Pel's comment. He smiled back at her shyly.

"Thank you, T'Pel. I do hope it won't disappoint, I know you are somewhat of an expert in the field."

"I'm sure it will be an interesting read, Commander," the typically understated Vulcan replied. "Now, Admiral, Commander, if you'll excuse the Captain and me, we really must be making our way back to our accommodations."

"Of course," Kathryn moved to reassure her friend he was in no way offending them by taking their leave, "it's been so wonderful to see you. I do hope we can see you again before you head off world."

Tuvok and T'Pel bowed their heads in formal goodbye and left the party arm-in-arm. Kathryn stared at their retreating backs.

"Penny for your thoughts, Admiral," Chakotay softly said into her ear, standing almost-too-close to her back for comfort. Kathryn jumped and turned to face her friend.

"Oh, I was envying them a little," she said, the truth popping out of her mouth more freely than she had expected.

Chakotay didn't push her for more of an explanation. Kathryn just hoped he didn't know what she was really thinking, despite his usual habit of knowing her thoughts better than his own.

"Well, I think it's time we headed out of here and let the clean-up crew do its job. How about a cup of coffee back at the homestead?"

It was an offer she couldn't refuse, especially as she looked around to realise they were the last two people standing.

"Absolutely, Commander, a cup of coffee is just what the doctor ordered," Kathryn replied grabbing his proffered arm to walk back to her mother's front door.

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Settled at the kitchen table, Kathryn kicked off her ridiculously high and perilous heels, eliciting a chuckle from her best friend, sat opposite, who caught her look of pain and disgust as she jettisoned the offending items to the corner of the room.

"Who would have thought a pair of shoes could defeat the great Admiral Kathryn Janeway. Stories of your being able to stand upright in a fire-fight in those three-inch - and non-standard uniform, by the way and don't think I hadn't noticed – black boots are legendary," he teased as she stuck her tongue out at him.

"Trust me, my regulation boots – and I resent the suggestion I break uniform rules, Commander – are actually comfortable. Those things, picked out by Phoebe, of course, are torture. I don't know why I allow them to dress me up like a doll," Kathryn retorted with appropriately cheeky emphasis on his rank and a sulky attitude.

"If the outfit tonight was your sister's choice, you should let her pick out your clothes more often," Chakotay said with flattering sincerity, "you looked stunning".

Trying to calm the blush she knew was creeping up her chest, Kathryn moved the conversation to something else.

She wouldn't, couldn't get caught up in her own feelings tonight. Her mother had warned her she needed to get him talking and, more importantly, listen to him.

And she didn't plan on letting him down.

"You're looking well too, Chakotay. Rested, calm, and I'm thrilled to hear you are coming back to work…" It was an open invitation to talk about whatever he needed to and she was just hoping he'd take the hint.

She held back her sigh of relief as he tipped his head up to look her directly in the eyes through his long lashes and she knew that he was going to take the plunge.

"Well, that depends a little bit," he said, startling her. She tilted her head to the side, giving him a quizzical look.

"I would very much like to come back, but I need to make a few changes to my life before I do.

"This time away from the world, just reflecting, learning how to cope with what's happened in my life has been exactly what I needed. But it's left me with a much bigger question to answer: what do I want from now on?"

Kathryn nodded, urging him on.

"Your mom thinks I should tell you a bit about what I've been discussing with Deanna. It was never as simple as just grief, Kathryn."

At that she smiled sadly, that came as no surprise to her. When was anything ever simple about their lives?

"My love for Seven was all-encompassing, no doubt, but things weren't perfect between us. You know that horrid phrase, there's no smoke without a flame?" Kathryn nodded again but was unable to keep the shock and slight worry from her eyes. "Well, those press rumours may have been totally off-base as to the cause of the arguments, but we did argue before she left on her tour of duty.

"The guilt has eaten me up. We'd been working through it during our nightly communications while she was away, but it was far from fixed. I'm actually not sure we could ever have fixed it, if I'm honest."

This shocked Kathryn to her core. She thought Seven and Chakotay were blissfully happy. She hadn't noticed anything to suggest they were fighting or that anything was wrong in the picture-perfect life they seemed to have built on their return to the Alpha Quadrant.

She'd taken comfort from that as she'd battled with her own emotional demons. Not only revelling in the support and comfort their joint friendship as she spent time relaxing with them, but also helping her swallow her loneliness and jealousy of their marriage.

She'd only been able to cope watching the man she loved in the arms of another woman because she felt it was what was best for him. What on Earth could they have been fighting about?

He saw her reaction.

"I know, it seemed perfect. I was so ashamed of what was going on, I didn't want to let anyone else know. That actually made things worse." He stopped a beat. And as she was about to open her mouth, her mother's warning rang through Kathryn's head: "And don't interrupt him…" She shut her mouth and he carried on.

"The kid thing came up. It was cruel of me really. I knew before we married that she couldn't have children, that the Borg modifications included removal of all her reproductive organs. But I couldn't help it. We were so happy; I just wanted to make it absolutely perfect. And for me, that meant kids.

"If I'd known before we were involved, I mean really involved," he looked up into Kathryn's eyes as he said that, "then it might not have gone further. But I wasn't privy to how the modifications affected her the way you were."

He sighed loudly.

"I'm ashamed to admit, I blamed you for that. The irrational side of me was furious at you for not telling me sooner. And that then made me feel even guiltier when I realised that the problem wasn't our biological inability to conceive but that she actually didn't want children at all, no matter how they came to us." His sentences started to tumble out more and more quickly, with him struggling to breathe as he clearly fought to get the thoughts out, as if he worried that any interruption to the flow would stop them coming out at all.

"I raised the possibility of surrogacy, or adoption - there are so many children who need loving families after the war - but she would always just reply she'd make a terrible mother. I suggested we try getting a pet first, just to prove to herself that she could do it. That I'd do all the caring, that she'd already been surrogate mother to Icheb, that she'd changed, that it was a natural thing to be a mother…."

He took a sudden deep breath, and Kathryn could see himself try to centre his emotions. After a second he opened his eyes and looked at her, speaking more slowly now.

"But ultimately, even I knew, she just didn't want children. It was never part of her plan. She was too young, too invested in her career. She was still learning to be human, let alone try and teach someone else to be one.

"I was stupid. I asked her to marry me in this whirl of returning, of emotion, when I was still struggling with so many other issues - and so was she – and we never actually sat and talked about what we wanted from our lives, from our marriage.

"When I first started to see Deanna – and I saw your shock earlier when she was mentioned, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you she was who I was seeing earlier, but I needed to sort things through on my own for a while – she spent hours and hours trying to persuade me it wasn't just my fault.

"I'm slowly seeing that perhaps Seven also bore some responsibility for it, but let's face it, she was still so new to everything human, to what a marriage was, I had to be the one to be sensible about it.

"We should never have married so soon. She should have had the chance to see other marriages at work, beyond Tom and B'Elanna's."

His statement, spoken so quietly, so sadly, so wistfully, with his head drooping, looking at the table, made Kathryn's heart physically ache.

She grabbed his hand, urging him to keep going, but still being sure to stay silent, allowing him the space to talk.

"Deanna's been at great pains to tell me that I have to try and move on from it, that I need to learn to somehow live with what's happened. And I'm getting there, I really am. But the next step is to physically move on."

At this, he squeezes her hand and sets his expression to one of resolve.

"I'm going to put the cottage on the market. I was hoping you might help me sort through all Seven's things and look for somewhere else to live," he seemed nervous at asking her this.

"Of course I'll help, Chakotay. Anything I can do to help you, I'll do it. You just have to ask," Kathryn said, taking her free hand to tip his chin up so he was looking at her once more.

As his eyes met hers, she could see something else behind them. The same something she'd seen earlier in the evening, that change she couldn't quite put her finger on.

"I was thinking," he said, more lightly, "maybe I could look at getting an apartment near you. I miss living close to you. It was one of the things on Voyager I enjoyed most, Kathryn, that close proximity, dropping in for coffee when I couldn't sleep, or asking you if you'd eaten yet when I made too much food."

Kathryn smiled at that. She felt exactly the same way.

Their easy friendship had, by necessity, become a more formal affair after he had started dating Seven. She could no longer assume he was alone in his off-duty time and he had less free time to spend with her, instead lavishing the attention where it belonged, with his partner. She didn't blame him for that, it was natural.

Her upset at the change was irrational, she knew that and she bit it down every time it threatened to bubble to the surface, reminding herself that she chose this path, that they had agreed they couldn't go beyond friendship while they commanded a starship together. Eventually she'd gotten used to needing to call him before she popped over to the cottage, found alternative dates for formal events and begun to call her sister when she needed to talk something over and it was late at night. At least she was back on Earth where those alternatives we a possibility for her, no matter how much she railed against them.

"I'd love that," she smiled broadly at him. "But is that the only change you want to make, Chakotay?"

She'd been dreading asking him this, but anything else he wanted to change would be inconsequential now; he was going to be near her. She was getting her best friend back. Her heart soared.

"For the moment, that's as big a change as I can manage, but I'll also be taking the changes I've already made with me.

"Deanna's agreed to keep me on as a client in her private rooms. She was concerned about your friendship with Will being an issue, but I've reassured her that I trust her to keep our sessions just between us, and I know you'd never interfere or ask Will to betray her confidence, even if they did talk about what we spoke about." The ease with which he brushed off Deanna's entirely understandable concerns was incredibly sweet. He really did trust her completely. Kathryn could now see just how much progress Chakotay had made emotionally over the past eight weeks.

He continued: "And I think I'm now ready to move away from my little protective cocoon her with your mom. She's been just wonderful. I don't know how to thank her and Phoebe enough, Katie."

There it was again, her childhood nickname. She knew it had come from Phoebs.

"I think they'd say seeing you recover will be thanks enough, Chakotay. They never hesitated when I asked them to help," Kathryn said forcefully, trying to really hammer it home to him that he needn't feel in anyone's debt, that his friendship was reward enough for anything they offered to him.

"You are all incredible women," Chakotay said, grinning up at her. "Nuts. But incredible." They both laughed, Chakotay letting go of her hand and standing up to move towards the kettle. She was sad to lose the contact, but Kathryn also felt herself relax a little that had all been very intense.

"Kathryn, why didn't you tell me you had seen a counsellor? Was that when we got back, or before. After Justin and Edward?"

The question floored her, partly because of his use of her father's and former fiancée's names so freely, she'd never spoken to him at length about them, and she stuttered out her answer: "Both."

He turned away from his work filling the kettle form her mother's tap and raised an eyebrow at her, prompting her to expand on her answer.

"I, um, well, Deanna was my counsellor all those years ago," she said, wondering if this would be news to him. It obviously was. He put the kettle down abruptly and walked back over to the table.

"Sneaky, sneaky woman," he said with a knowing smile on his lips. "Your sister knew, didn't she?" Kathryn nodded.

"Yeah she did," she confirmed, "I imagine she knew Deanna had managed to help me with Justin and Daddy's death, and so she knew she'd be able to reach my best friend in the same way.

"But I haven't been seeing her this time. I wanted to explore the Delta Quadrant fallout with someone else. Deanna had become too much of a friend for me to be able to really open up to her in the same way. I needed someone anonymous."

From his expression, she knew Chakotay could understand that. And he also looked a little relieved. She could get that. Sharing shrinks was probably a little much, even for best friends.

Suddenly it occurred to Kathryn that Chakotay must have spent a long time talking to her mother and Phoebe. She wondered what they'd told him. She was jealous somehow, that they'd been able to help him and she'd been feeling so useless, kept away from him.

"Chakotay, do you know why I wasn't allowed to visit you? Why Mom asked me to stay away? Did you ask her to do that?" Another questions she wasn't really sure she wanted to know the answer to.

"Yes and no. I knew she'd asked you to stay away and in the end I agreed with her. But no it wasn't my idea at first. I'm sorry about that. It wasn't because I didn't want to see you, it was just I needed some time to speak to other people. I needed to hear some other perspectives." He looked up at her, clearly torn about whether to say the next sentence. Her breath caught in her throat in anticipation. "I can find you a little overwhelming at times and I needed to sort through what were my thoughts and what were thoughts I thought you'd want me to have."

"Pardon," Kathryn spat out, dumbfounded once again. "What you thought I'd want to have?" She was suddenly angry. "I've never expected you to have any thoughts, Chakotay. I'd never do that."

"He stood up, rushing to her side as she sat in the wooden kitchen chair, kneeling beside her and taking her hands, despite her trying to pull them away and refusing to look him in the eye.

"Kathryn, listen to me. It wasn't you," he let go one of her hands, his turn this time to gently grab her chin and pull her head towards him to look at him. "It was me. I was so confused, so… damaged… I just thought that if I said what you wanted to hear, the world would be okay. And it wasn't just you; I did it with Seven, even B'Elanna and Tom." She was horrified by his admission. All these years he hadn't been honest with her?

He clearly saw the allegation in her eyes.

"It wasn't that I lied to you, I promise," he said, almost pleading and with a tear falling down his cheek. "It was more that I just didn't know what I wanted and so I allowed myself to be swayed into what I thought would make everyone else happy. I wasn't made miserable by it, I just didn't take the time to think about what the consequences of that would be."

Kathryn's mother's words rang in her head again as he continued: "you need to listen".

"Before we ended up on Voyager, my life wasn't really my own. I'd plunged from one crisis to another. I'd dream death and destruction. I was haunted," his words came tumbling out again.

"I suddenly found myself back in charge of a crew's well-being, back to having to check in with a Captain, back to having time to think, back to having friends. It was all such a shock. I was so traumatised I didn't know how to process my own thoughts. So instead of processing them, I buried them and decided to be happy and content. And I was. It wasn't a lie at all. But of course, as soon as we were back, I suddenly had to confront change again and it was too much for me. I buried that by deciding to be Seven's husband, to try and be perfect in one area of my life at least so no one would see how lost I was."

He took another steadying breath, centring himself once more.

Kathryn suddenly realised she recognised what he was doing. He was using a grounding technique. Standard when dealing with post-traumatic stress.

It came as a stark reminder to her of what her friend had been though, and as quickly as it flared up, her anger subsided. She was just deeply sad, it dawning on her that his depression hadn't just been about losing Seven. It was everything he'd been through since the Cardassians attacked his homeworld.

Who knew? Perhaps it went back even further than that.

She grabbed his other hand.

"When you dragged me out of the house all those weeks ago, Kathryn, it was like I was stuck in this feedback loop.

"It's taken hours and hours of talking to even begin to start to sort through it all and I've got a long way to go. But I'm strong enough to tackle it in the real world now, step out of the short-term hostel you made possible for me and to no longer fear I'll be swayed, even by your strength" He grinned up at her reassuring her that wasn't a bad thing, but the smile quickly turned into a grimace. His knees were clearly giving out. "Not as young as I was," he joked, letting go of her hands to stand up. "Now, more coffee?"

"Yes please," she said, smiling kindly back at him, and stealing a glance at the clock: 3am. It was clearly going to be a long night. She had so much more she wanted to ask him and it looked like he had a lot he still wanted to say.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Sneezing for what felt like the hundredth time, she opened her eyes to see dust motes billowing around her as the sunlight streamed through the floor-to-ceiling windows.

Behind her she could hear rustling as object after object was being wrapped in paper before being placed into what seemed like a bottomless box. It felt like they'd been doing this for weeks, rather than just three days.

Picking up the two picture frames off the shelf in the kitchen, Kathryn turned to her best friend: "Did you want these to go into the storage box or to take to the new apartment?"

As she waited for Chakotay's response, she remembered the last time she had stared at the pictures on a fateful day 10 weeks ago. Suddenly sadness overcame her and she had to sit down on the high-stools at the kitchen bench. Chakotay approached her and sat on the stool next to her, taking the picture of Seven and her aunt from her hand.

"I'd like to keep this one, I think," he said quietly, smiling. "It's my favourite picture of her.

"We'd had such a wonderful day. I remember pressing the button on the holo-imager just before she and her aunt collapsed into laughter as a bird decided to use my shoulder as a lavatory."

"I never met her aunt," Kathryn said, giggling. "But from how Seven described her, she seemed like a great influence on her and lots of fun."

"She really was. She only managed to visit a handful of times before…" he struggled to finish the sentence. "I had to call her and tell her about what had happened on the mission. It was probably one of the worst communications I ever had to make.

"I felt so guilty later on for thinking that I was pleased she didn't have any other family, and that you were going to be the one contacting all our friends. I couldn't have repeated that information more than once.

"I haven't spoken to her since. I should arrange to see her in person at some point soon."  
Packing up the cottage had been full of moments like this one. They'd come across an item that would be particularly meaningful to one or the other of them, prompting a confessional-like conversation. It was cathartic, but thoroughly exhausting.

Kathryn had expected it would be like this, but with more tears. There hadn't been many of those after that first night of talking after the benefit. Chakotay seemed to have started on a new path, one of acceptance. It really felt like he was starting to move on.

They'd stayed up all night talking, only realising it was morning when her mother came down the stairs of her childhood home to find them sat across from each other at the kitchen table with cold cups of tea in front of them.

She'd smiled indulgently at them and moved towards the kettle without saying a word. But Kathryn could tell her mother was pleased to see them there. Gretchen had finished making a cup of coffee and then joined them, asking what they had planned for that day, nudging them to include each other in their plans.

Kathryn had been due to go into work, but it was nothing she couldn't put off until Monday. Instead, the two of them spent the day at her mother's house, helping the clean-up crew take down the marquee, arrange for all the fairground rides to be taken away and repair damage to the gorgeous garden beds her mother usually kept so neat and tidy, but had been trampled by the hundreds of guests that passed through the property the night before.

The conversation had been light, but easy. They'd laughed as Kathryn struggled to stand up after two hours on her knees tending the plants. Age really was catching up with them. It was good to laugh about it.

And over the following two weeks, they spent a lot of time together having lunch or coffee as Chakotay started back at work and searched for a new place to live.

He'd found the perfect spot just down the road within a week, allowing them to start the mammoth task of downsizing his possessions in the cottage. Going from sharing a three-bedroom property with his wife to a bachelor-style flat was going to be a big adjustment for him.

It would be a lie to say the fortnight had been entirely easy. It hadn't been. Spending so much time together had Kathryn's mind in knots. She too had logged a fair amount of time with her counsellor.

He'd been kind but firm with her: "Kathryn, you need to start allowing yourself to let go."

She rolled her eyes.

"None of the Voyager crew expects or needs you to protect them from the world anymore. They have family, friends, and new commanding officers to do that. And Chakotay is the same."

Before she could interrupt the counsellor, he'd put his hand up to stop her using her title to emphasise his point: "No, just listen, Admiral, I know you think you need to protect him, but you don't. Not anymore."

Chastened, Kathryn shut her mouth, but was somewhat sulky as he continued.

"I know normally I encourage you to talk," he smiled kindly as he went on, but there are times when you need to learn to listen too."

What was this? Between her mother and the counsellor, Kathryn was starting to feel like she'd gone back to her teenage days.

"He did need your help, but you did that, you got him what he needed. Now what he needs is his friend back. And if you keep on down this relentless path of never stopping, never giving yourself any downtime, you won't be the woman he once fell in love with."

Kathryn gave a little, completely involuntary, squeal at that pronouncement.

"What do you mean he fell in love with," she asked, shocked to her core.

"Oh, come on Kathryn, even you can't be that blind. Every story of survival, every story of hope, of failure, it features him. He was there the whole time. It's as if he underpins every one of the key moments in the past eight years."

He wasn't saying anything she didn't already know, but the crux of his point was yet to come.

"Surely even you must have asked yourself why he'd stay so steadfast, despite the circumstances? No plain and simple friendship survives what you did. There has to have been something more.

"And I can tell you, having spoken to you at such length, I know you loved him. I think you still do. I suspect that much of your trauma still remaining is based on the guilt you feel for loving him."

It was like he'd shot an arrow into her heart. With one sentence he'd pinpointed exactly what she'd been struggling with since they'd returned to the Alpha Quadrant.

Lost in her own thoughts, it had been several minutes before she'd replied to the counsellor. He'd sat there patiently letting her mind adjust to what he'd said.

"I thought I'd managed to hide it from you. I've been trying so hard to hide it from everyone. He can't know. It's too cruel for me to do this to him right now. He already feels guilty about what happened with Seven before she left on her mission…" Tears fell as she gabbled her thoughts out.

"Kathryn," the counsellor, took her hands, "You can't help what you feel. Having spent a fair amount of time with you in the past year, I have no doubt you've hidden your feelings from him, and no doubt Seven too in those early days, without any problem. Is that what you are terrified of that they somehow knew all that time?"

She just nodded, unable to talk as she sobbed.

"What do you want, Kathryn. Do you want him to know how you feel?"

She didn't respond, too conflicted to know where to start.

"Kathryn, look at me," she raised her head, trying to focus her eyes. "Don't try to deal with this on your own. You don't have to."

Memories of a snatched conversation a few weeks ago surfaced in Kathryn's mind: "Don't handle this on your own." Chakotay had said that to her after those awful press rumours.

The counsellor shook her hand to bring her focus back to him again: "He needs to know the truth."

"But he's still just so broken," she cried. "I don't want to add anything more onto his plate. For years he looked after me and I feel like now it's my turn to repay him, I'm failing."

The counsellor looked at her disbelievingly: "Failed him? Kathryn, you got him, and everyone else home. Alive. You advocated for them on your return. You've never stopped fighting for them for a second of any day for eight years.

"Failure is not a word I'd associate with you. But if you aren't honest with him, then, yes, you will fail him. And yourself.

"It might be he can't reciprocate your feelings, it might be that a relationship may never be on the cards, but even so, if your friendship is to survive, you must be honest with him."

Kathryn's sobs subsided as she started to realise the truth in his words.

"And Kathryn," he said, with a warning tone in his voice," you need to prepare yourself for the fact that he may need to take some time out to think about what you tell him. He might be very hurt by your lack of candour."

She knew that was the truth too. She remembered that night after the benefit once again. She'd been so angry with him when she felt he'd lied to her about what had happened between him and Seven.

She'd done far worse. Even if she'd done it to protect him.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

With red-rimmed eyes and head hung low, he made for a very sorry sight indeed.

This meeting was the absolute worst part of her month, which was really saying something.

Admiral Kathryn Janeway rose to her full height, pulled the command mask as firmly down over her face as possible and continued to read aloud from the pre-prepared judgment she'd written at 2am that morning.

"Cadet Nuctern, you are hereby expelled from Starfleet Academy," she said in clipped, precise tones.

"You will be escorted to your lodgings where you will have an hour to pack your personal items. These will be left in the room and will be searched by security officers before they, and you, are transported to a destination of your choosing.

"Do you understand, Cadet?"

To his credit, the young human stood straighter and looked her in the eye as he replied: "Yes, Admiral."

"Cadet, did you have anything further you wished to say at this time?" Kathryn really hoped he'd say no. She really didn't want to have him removed.

"I do, Admiral. I wanted to thank you and the professors for the opportunities afforded to me here and apologise for my actions. I hope that one day I'll be able to prove to you all that I'm worth a second chance."

Kathryn was surprised by his response. And it made her earlier decision to call a friend for a little advice and support a good one.

"Very well, Cadet. You are dismissed."

As the now-former cadet left the room, Kathryn looked over at the man on her right-hand side.

"Well, Owen. That's the first one of those I've done. And I hope it's the last for a while."

Admiral Paris placed a gentle hand on her shoulder: "You did well, Kathryn. It's definitely the hardest part of the job. But it had to be done. He was a danger to himself and the other cadets."

Kathryn nodded and then broached a subject she wasn't too sure would go down well with her mentor and friend.

"Owen, I called Tom this morning," he looked at her slightly surprised. "I asked him about his experience of being asked to leave Starfleet. He was wonderful in his advice to me.

"If you don't mind, I asked him if he'd be okay with me giving Cadet Nuctern his contact details. I thought it might help."

The older admiral laughed gently.

"Kathryn, Kathryn, Kathryn, always seeing the best in people. I don't mind at all. It's an excellent idea.

"I think Tom would provide excellent advice. He's the poster child for a second chance, and clearly our young friend is remorseful. I think it's the least we can do."

Kathryn smiled her first genuine smile in a week. She really hoped Nuctern got that second chance. He was a nice young man, just very troubled. Too troubled for Starfleet right now.

Sighing, she sat heavily in her chair: "Owen, what would you say to me taking a little leave for a week?

"This incident really has been the last straw for me for a while. I think I could do with a little R and R."

Smiling again, Admiral Paris said: "I thought you'd never ask.

"Graduation is a month away. It's a good time to go, especially as you haven't had a break since you stepped into the big chair."

Relieved, Kathryn looked up at him.

"How about I handover to Commander Salerno next Friday for a week? I'll make sure I'm still at the end of a comm signal…"

She knew it was short notice, but she wasn't joking when she said she needed to get away.

"Kathryn, that's fine," he said, pausing briefly before continuing. "Except for the bit about being at the end of a comm signal.

"The Academy will cope without you for one week, young lady." And with that pronouncement, Admiral Owen Paris left the room, waving at her.

"Goodnight, Admiral," he said. Calling to her aide outside her office door as he passed her desk: "Ensign Barrowman, please ensure the Admiral leaves her office for home in 30 minutes. No excuses. If she refuses, call me! Oh, and please send the contact details for Lieutenant Commander Tom Paris to Cadet Nuctern's private comm address with my compliments, telling him to get some advice from one who's been there."

Kathryn smiled again to no one but herself. She was lucky to have such a good friend as her immediate superior.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thirty minutes later, Kathryn found herself ejected from her office by a worried looking aide who said she was more scared of Paris than she was Janeway. The cheek!

Still, it had been a long week and she was looking forward to a long bath so she allowed the forceful removal of her bottom from the chair and began the short walk from her office to her little apartment a 15 minute walk away.

She got as far as the café on the corner of her street and instead of heading straight home, she wanted just a few minutes sat out in the last of the day's sunshine with a cup of coffee before she headed back to yet another climate-controlled box.

Grabbing a table on the pavement, she picked up the menu and was perusing happily when a shadow fell over her.

Annoyed, she looked up into some very attractive chocolate-brown eyes, and found herself immediately relax and brighten.

"Chakotay," she exclaimed, standing up to give him a kiss on his cheek. "I haven't seen you all week!"

"No, well you've been a little tied up, Admiral," he joked gently. He gestured to the spare seat at her table. "Are you expecting someone?"

"No," she said hurriedly, pulling the chair away from the table for him, "unless you're able to join me? I was just going to sit and have something quick before heading home."

He smiled and dropped the bag he was carrying on the pavement, sitting down and grabbing the menu from in front of her: "I thought you'd never ask. Now, how's the tea here?"

"I've no idea, but the coffee's good," she replied laughing as a waitress sidled up to them.

Chakotay ordered a black coffee for Kathryn and a green tea for himself as the waitress tried and failed to hide her flirting.

Kathryn couldn't blame her. With his hair starting to silver and his uniform jacket hanging undone showing off his muscular torso, her former first officer was looking incredibly handsome.

She allowed herself to watch him as he flattered the young woman while simultaneously batting off her obvious advances with a kindly glance.

"Do you know you do that?" Kathryn asked, genuinely interested.

"Do what?" he replied, tilting his head to one side.

"Brush off every woman who flirts with you. She was stunning and obviously interested, Chakotay. You should consider dating again."

What on Earth made her say that? Kathryn immediately chastised herself. Not appropriate. And not kind either. The man was still grieving. It had only been a year and a bit. And her counsellor would kill her if he found out; this was not the subject he wanted them to discuss.

He looked at her with an open mouth and spluttered: "Kathryn, she can't be more than 20 years old!"

"So?" Kathryn gave him a challenging glance, and a lopsided smile from under her eyelashes.

"Kathryn Janeway, I'm not interested in a pretty young thing, I think if I'm going to do the dating thing again I want something a bit more serious than that." He had started the sentence jokingly, but finished it with a smouldering look, straight into her eyes. What was that?

"Sorry, Chakotay," Kathryn apologised, thinking she'd upset him by suggesting he should move on so soon. "I know it's still too soon. I just want to see you happy again, that's all."

He went to grab her hands across the table.

"Kathryn, I am happy, believe it or not. Of course it still hurts, but I'm actually enjoying living in a metropolis, being able to throw myself into work and still have a little time to see friends.

"Yes, I'd very much like to have a relationship again one day, but it certainly won't be a fling. I'm too old and too damaged for that."

She looked up into his eyes and was immediately grateful when the waitress brought out their drinks, forcing him to let go of her hands and break the contact. What was going on here? This was alarming.

The waitress, who'd been very friendly when taking their order, was obviously put out by the rebuffal she'd received and the subsequent scene she'd walked in on, and banged their order onto the table.

Kathryn laughed. "See, you've upset the girl!"

Chakotay joined in with her laughter. "She'll get over it soon enough," he said, pointing to the table she'd moved onto. It featured a very handsome young cadet Kathryn recognised from one of Chakotay's classes.

"I reckon Cadet Cooper will keep her happy," Chakotay said. "And much more appropriate too."

Changing the subject, he picked up his mug and looked at her over the top of the rim. "So, how was the week, or shouldn't I ask?"

Sighing again, and feeling the weight of the academy sit on her shoulders, she shrugged: "Terrible, to be honest. But over, thank goodness. And I've decided to take some leave."

Chakotay stopped mid-sip and arched both eyebrows up at her.  
"Good idea," he said, putting the mug down. "Have you thought what you might do, or where you might go?"

"Is it really that surprising to hear me say I'll take a break, Commander" she teased, waving off his attempt at a reply. "No, I haven't thought about what I'll do. I'll finish up this time next week and then I was toying with the idea of visiting my mother for a few days, maybe spending some time with Miral… anything that doesn't involve being an admiral."

"That bad a week, huh?" he commiserated.

"Yes. That bad. I knew the job was going to be tough, but all those years with our crew left me forgetting what it was like to have to keep discipline all the time. I knew how lucky we were, but it's really hit home this week."

Chakotay had seen the headlines in the press, but Kathryn knew he would know anything more than what the reports, and campus gossip, had said. Luckily no one had died, but the incident had been serious. He didn't probe any further, for which she was immensely grateful.

"Anyway," she said, not wanting to dwell any further on her bad week, which was now, thankfully over. "How was your week? I didn't see you at all. Where were you hiding?"

They normally shared a cup of coffee most mornings, catching up on how his classes had gone, his latest writings or how her nieces and nephews were getting on.

"It was good. I was on Mars…" She'd completely forgotten he was off-world. What a terrible friend she was.

"Of course! And, how'd it go?" She knew the conference he'd attended was an important one. If it had gone well, he was looking at enough funding to allow him to take on another new research topic.

"Really well," he smiled. "I think we're in business. They were very enthusiastic. They especially liked your idea surrounding the hive-mind tactical advantage."

"Ack, that was a very small part of your presentation," she brushed off the comment. "What did they say about the holo-image distractions?"

They swapped news for more than an hour, their companionable laughter drawing envious looks from the waitress who was now on her own again after Chakotay's student had left. It was pitch black before they realised they were the last customers left and they'd out-stayed their welcome.

Kathryn was suddenly desperate for their evening not to end: "Have you got plans for dinner," she asked, almost shyly. It had been a long time since they'd shared dinner together.

In fact, the last time they'd shared dinner together on their own was on Voyager. Somehow their weekly tradition had ended when Chakotay and Seven had started dating. Kathryn didn't feel it appropriate, and he hadn't seemed to have the time any longer.

"I haven't," he said warmly. "How about I cook and you bring the wine?" He knew she'd have a stash. She always did.

"Deal," she quickly replied before he had a chance to change his mind. "How about I head home and change and I'll meet you back at yours in an hour?"


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

A shriek of laughter from the next room made Kathryn smile. Miral was having a whale of a time with her dad as he whirled her around Gretchen Janeway's kitchen.

Turning away from the vid screen, Kathryn called out to Tom that she'd only be another couple of minutes and then she'd warm up lunch.

The man on the screen laughed in response to her comment: "Have you warned him that it was you who cooked the soup in the first place, Kathryn?"

The jibe elicited a most un-Admiral-like giggle from Kathryn who whispered into the device: "No, shhhhh! Chakotay he won't touch it if he thinks I was responsible for its origins and I haven't had time to fix Mom's replicator."

Softening her smile a little she went on: "Are you heading down here after work?"

"I should be. I've got a class at 18:00 but it's only a 30-minute tutorial, so I should be with you all about 20:00. Is that too late for dinner?"

"No, I'll make sure to let B'Elanna know she needs to call the restaurant to amend the booking. I think it's just the four of us after all. Harry's off-world unexpectedly and Tuvok's transport was delayed."

It was the last day of Kathryn's holiday. She felt human again. The exhaustion had left her features and she'd suddenly started to make plans again. That was something she'd stopped doing, she'd just been stumbling from day to day, from work to home, to work again.

She could hear someone calling Chakotay in the background.

"I'd better go," he said, looking over his shoulder. "Give Miral a kiss for me, and I'll see you all tonight."

The screen went blank before she could say anything back, but Kathryn stared blankly at it for some moments after he shut off the communication as she struggled to bring her thoughts back to neutral ground.

Chakotay was her best friend. Nothing more.

She had to stop these ridiculous thoughts keep coming into her head. It had been a week since their dinner together at his house and ever since then she'd been alarming herself with stray thoughts of him touching her hands, staring into her eyes.

It had to stop. He was her friend. Nothing more.

She still hadn't broached the topic her counsellor had advised her to discuss with him. But she rationalised that the dinner hadn't been the time or place. He'd been dying to tell her about his work and she didn't want to stop him from doing that when it seemed to bring him such joy, especially as it had been rare to see him so animated and happy since Seven's death.

And they'd not seen each other face-to-face this week and it wasn't a conversation to have over a comm channel.

The dinner had been wonderful, just like they'd turned back time to three years earlier sat in her quarters on Voyager. The conversation had been light and easy and they had been completely comfortable in each other's company. And their daily comm conversations since then had been much more relaxed. She was thrilled to finally feel like she was getting her friend back. She didn't want to jinx it. Yes, it was odd he'd contacted her every day of her leave, but she told herself that was just because he was wanting to get her opinion on his research proposal….

"Kathryn," Tom's voice call from the kitchen, "do you want a cup of coffee?"

Smiling, she stood up and called back, "yes please," and went to play with little Miral, enjoying the final few hours of her leave before yet another big weekend of charity-related events her mother had lined up for the former Voyager crew members.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

As she finished the last mouthful of her desert, Kathryn stole a look at her former first officer. Relaxed, laughing and attentive, he was relaying a story about his latest class at the academy, regaling Tom and B'Elanna with a passion and energy she'd genuinely thought a few months earlier she might never see again.

Then he caught her looking, and paused, causing Tom to turn his head toward her. How embarrassing.

Tom's look was one of curiosity. Kathryn just hoped he wasn't able to see an answer to whatever he was looking for in her face.

She was going to have to tackle the "Issue", as she'd taken to thinking of it, this evening. She couldn't keep hiding away from this. People were going to start being able to read her like a book if it continued.

When had she suddenly struggled to maintain a cool façade, keeping her thoughts to herself? She'd always been so good at that. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant and she'd perfected it. Another year as an admiral on top of that should have made her a master.

Luckily Chakotay had managed to get his flow back and Tom had been distracted, turning back to enjoy the last of the story.

It had been a wonderful evening of easy chatter and memory-sharing. If she hadn't known better, Kathryn would have thought she was on a double-date.

The thought made her uneasy and feel more than a bit guilty. He was Seven's husband.

Tomorrow would be another day, though, she knew and she was slightly dreading it. There would be nothing easy about it. Another of her mother's charity events and another brush with the press and the great and good of Starfleet brass and associated hangers on. Always on display, inevitably with another of her sister's outfit "creations" she'd be expected to wear.

She was actually starting to miss the restrictive and dorky-looking Starfleet dress uniform, which her mother insisted wasn't suitable for these events.

This time it was to be a museum donation and associated dinner-dance. Did the woman ever sleep? And where did she find all the people willing to part with credits? Surely that little black book of hers was depleted by now.

"Kathryn, would you like coffee," B'Elanna's voice interrupted her thought process.

"Oh, yes, please," Kathryn smiled at the younger woman, trying to persuade herself she'd hidden her distraction.

Placing the order with their waitress, B'Elanna went on: "So, tomorrow's event, I was thinking, perhaps you'd like Tom to do the dedication, Kathryn?"

Such an unexpected offer. "That would be wonderful," Kathryn turned to Tom with a beaming grin. "If you wouldn't mind, I'd love to not be in the spotlight. And I'm sure my mother would be delighted to get her hands on another victim."

"I don't mind at all," Tom said lightly, "I love being at the mercy of an admiral's wife. Makes absolutely no change from my childhood."

His joke elicited a laugh from all three of his companions and Kathryn thought fondly to herself of the transformation young Tom Paris had undergone. The passing thought reminded her of something: "Tom, did you hear from one of our young former cadets at all this week?"

She didn't know why it hadn't occurred to her to ask him before, after all, she'd spent three days with the Paris family at her mother's house in Indiana. It hadn't been her idea, they'd been house-sitting for Gretchen and she'd decided to take advantage of their presence there so she could spend time with Miral.

"I did. He's an intriguing young guy, huh?"

Kathryn knew exactly what Tom meant. Challenging, bright but somehow flawed despite all his promise.

"Yes, he certainly is. He reminded me of someone…" Kathryn goaded, hoping Tom would see why she'd asked him to talk to Cadet Nuctern.

Tom took the bait. "Me too," he said. "I think our chat helped him. I sure hope it did, anyway. He's asked if he can meet with me when I return to work next week and I agreed. I reckon I might be able to offer him some hints on where to go next so he doesn't end up as lost as I did."

Looking sheepish and sad, he went on: "It's actually great to be able to help someone out and know all that time I wasted wasn't a complete disaster".

B'Elanna didn't miss a beat: "Tom, what happened, that made you the man I love. It made you the incredible officer and father you are. Don't ever wish that time away."

"I couldn't agree more, and I don't even like you," Chakotay joked. The gentle infusion of humour worked a charm. "Right, on to more important things," he continued, keeping the tone on the right track, "what are the bets Phoebe puts Kathryn in heels again tomorrow?"

Kathryn stuck her tongue out at him. He knew just how to wind her up.

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The moon was high in the sky, casting a gentle light on the green field behind Kathryn's childhood home. She'd always loved sitting under this tree and tonight's reflections were made even more pleasant because her best friend was sat beside her.

A rug wrapped around each of their shoulders, cups of tea in their hands, they'd been talking about nothing for well over an hour by the time Kathryn finally plucked up the courage to bring up the topic she actually needed to discuss with him.

"Chakotay," she started, staring straight ahead at the moon, but feeling his eyes on her profile. "I've been told I need to talk to you."

He looked intrigued and then laughed at her slightly stricken face: "We've been talking for hours, Kathryn!"

She blushed: "I know, but not that kind of talking," she said, not sure how to bring up the topic. She must have paused for a fraction too long as Chakotay suddenly looked worried and grabbed the hand that didn't have her mug of tea in it.

"Are you okay," he asked, his eyes wide and worried.

"Yes," she immediately reassured him, then rethinking her answer, "well, no, well sort of".

Oh dear, this wasn't going very well.

"I'm physically well, but I've been finding things a bit tough mentally for the past few weeks."

Chakotay sighed and let go of her hands, instead brushing his fingers through his own hair, looking up toward the sky. "That doesn't come as much of a surprise," he said. "I was wondering when you might actually talk to me about whatever it is that's bothering you."

He sounded hurt as he said it. "You've been acting quite oddly, Kathryn."

He'd noticed. Bugger. She'd so hoped he wouldn't. She'd been desperately trying to hide everything. And mostly for his sake. Or was it?

She was quiet for a minute trying to figure out quite how to explain herself.

"Okay, I think I just need to say this," she suddenly blurted. "I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear right now and I know how bad the timing is. I should have said it years ago."

That had definitely caught his attention. He was staring at her, and as she went to continue he put his fingers to her lips: "Stop, Kathryn. I don't know what you're about to say, but I think you might be right that I don't want to hear it. I can't hear you say what I think you are going to say. Not after all this time, after all I've been through. I can't lose another woman I love."

Her devastation at the idea he wouldn't even let her tell him she loved him was stopped in its tracks. What had he just said?


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Kathryn never got the chance to ask him what he'd just said. He'd bolted up, knocking his tea over in his haste, practically running from her and into the house.

Still dumbstruck by what she thought she'd just heard, it took Kathryn a minute to gather her wits, two rugs and two cups and make her way back toward the house in a dazed state.

Did Chakotay just tell her he loved her?

As she reached the back door of her mother's house, all she saw of Chakotay was his retreating back as he left through the front door. She immediately dropped her cargo and sprinted toward the door as it slammed shut behind him. She went to grab the handle, but a gentle, but firm hand stopped her.

Kathryn looked across to see who the owner of the hand was. B'Elanna.

"Don't go after him," the younger woman said quietly. "Let him have a moment or two."

"I can't B'Elanna. He doesn't understand. He didn't let me finish…" Kathryn said, stricken.

"There's no reasoning with him when he's upset like that, Kathryn," B'Elanna said with compassion. "Let him calm down and he'll be back. Come, let's make another cup of tea and sit down."

At that comment, Kathryn looked over to the mess she'd left as she'd dropped the tea cups and rugs in a pile on the floor. Sighing she patted B'Elanna's hand, making it clear she wasn't going to run out after her former first officer and make yet another mistake, and head over to kneel down and pick up the pieces of her mother's favourite tea set.

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"I don't know, B'Elanna. When did it all get so complicated?" Kathryn genuinely couldn't figure out when her friendship with Chakotay had become something so deeply twisted in knots.

B'Elanna laughed lightly, filling the two mugs with water from the old-fashioned kettle the Janeway household matriarch insisted was used for hot drinks.

"The moment you clapped eyes on each other," the half-Klingon said.

The truth of that statement hit Kathryn like tonne of proverbial bricks. It had always been like this. From that very first moment when she saw her quarry on the viewscreen. The man she had been sent to capture and bring to heel all those years ago.

The constant push-pull of attraction and animosity, the misunderstandings, the tension, the relief, the happiness, the pain. They really had experienced it all in a never-ending spiral of turmoil.

"I wish I could take it away from him," Kathryn murmured, more to herself than the woman now sat opposite her at the table.

"Take what away," B'Elanna queried with a worried tone.

Startled that she'd spoken the words aloud, Kathryn gathered herself together and looked her friend in the eye as she replied: "the pain".

"If I could take it away, I would. He's suffered enough. I just want it to stop for him. First his planet, his family, then his career, now his wife. I just wish I could stop the universe giving him such a raw deal. He doesn't deserve any of it."

Unshed tears sat swimming in the admiral's eyes. It was the first time she'd ever admitted how worried she was about Chakotay to anyone except her counsellor, or her mother and sister.

"Kathryn, do you feel responsible for what's happened in some way?"

What a perceptive question. And how the hell would she answer it?

"Yes and no. I guess I still wonder if I made the right decision all those years ago when I stranded us. If I had just used the array to get us home, none of us would have suffered like this."

A sharp tone from B'Elanna's mouth shocked Kathryn once again: "Don't be ridiculous."

Kathryn's eyebrows shot up to her hairline. She wasn't used to being spoken to like this.

"If you'd done that we'd all have been dead. You saved the Maquis. And probably many of the 'fleeters too. The war would surely have claimed most of us. And you know that."

She did know that. Sort of. She couldn't manage to reply with more than a gentle nod.

"Kathryn, what's the issue here? You've been wonderful with Chakotay since Seven's death. Look at what you mother and sister did, and don't pretend that wasn't entirely your influence. They are wonderful women, but they'd only have done what they did with you driving it."

Kathryn couldn't ell B'Elanna the truth. The awful, shameful truth. That what she'd done was purely selfish. That she'd done it to save the man she loved in the hope he could love her again one day. That she might have a life with him. That if he fell apart she would too.

"Kathryn, look at me." The older woman had dropped her eyes and her head until it almost rested on the wooden table in front of her. But at the prompting, she looked up into a very determined set of eyes.

"Whatever it is, you need to get a handle on it or you will actually be the cause of pain for him. He's one of my best friends, Kathryn, and I love him, I won't let you do that.

"Whatever went on out there tonight, it's clearly something that needs sorting. I suggest you take the night to sleep on what you're going to do about it."

With that pronouncement, B'Elanna stood up: "I'm going to head to bed or I'll be a zombie tomorrow at the benefit after the Miral alarm clock later in the morning."

More kindly she added: "Go, get some sleep. I promise it'll all be brighter in the morning. He'll be back and whatever it was won't be such a big deal."

Kathryn very much doubted that it would be any less of a "big deal", but she knew there was no point in lingering downstairs. He clearly wasn't coming back tonight.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Another night, another ridiculous outfit her sister insisted she wear.

Trying not to tumble over her own feet, clad in heels even higher than the usual torture implements foisted upon her, Kathryn pulled at the tight midnight blue dress she wore.

Mumbling about being an over-dressed clotheshorse, she attempted to move away from her mother's side to find a waiter.

If she was going to endure this evening dressed like a stuffed shirt with poodle hair – seriously, did they have to give her ringlets hanging down from the otherwise elegant chignon – then she'd do it with a champagne in her hand. Better yet, gin would go down a treat.

Her mother wasn't having a bar of it. "Stay here, Kathryn," she hissed while smiling and waving at yet another of Starfleet's finest, before turning to her sulky daughter who was very definitely old enough to know better.

"Look, I know you're worried about him. We all are. But trust me when I tell you he won't miss this evening."

Gretchen's tone softened as she saw the intense worry in her daughter's eyes. She knew that look. She'd had that look in her own eyes for decades. A husband and a daughter in Starfleet would do that to a person.

"Why don't you go and check on the bar and make sure they aren't giving the Ferengi ambassador the good stuff again. The last thing we need is an international incident."

Kathryn knew her mother was giving her a free pass. She didn't deserve it, but she took it gratefully, moving away form the crowded ballroom as quickly as her vertiginous heels would allow to fulfil her job. And get that gin.

The bar was set up at the back of the great hall in the academy's conference facilities. It ran the entire length of the ballroom but there was one sure-fire spot to get yourself served first. Admiral Kathryn Janeway had discovered that on her very first night at the academy decades ago. She headed straight for that spot, gratified to see her ploy never failed as a handsome young barman came straight up to take her order.

"Gin and tonic with a piece of lime," she said, smiling at the barman she now recognised as a cadet in one of Chakotay's classes.

"Certainly, Admiral. A double?" She obviously looked worse than she thought.

"Yes, please. And, my mother says to make sure Ambassador Darit doesn't get his hands on the good whiskey…"

Smiling knowingly the cadet replied: "Ah, yes, Mrs Janeway has briefed us all on that one. I assure you, we've got it in hand. No one needs a repeat of the Lwaxana Troi affair."

Apparently that little anecdote had done the rounds of all Starfleet personnel, fully trained or not. The thought made her laugh for a second. But her laughter stopped as she noticed the cadet, who had been leaning conspiratorially over the bar, straightened and greeted someone behind her.

Kathryn straightened, grabbing the glass of gin and turned her head around to see who it was.

"Sir," the cadet snapped out. Almost at attention.

A pair of deep, dark brown eyes caught her own. They took her breath away with their intensity, but only for a second before the cadet's voice broke through her momentary distraction.

"What can I get you, Sir?"

"I'll have whatever the Admiral's got, cadet, thank you. And I hope you're nearly finished that assignment?"

There was unmistakable humour in Chakotay's voice as the young man nodded and headed off to pour the commander's drink. The cadet had been far more formal with him than with her, an admiral of the fleet.

Odd how teaching on the ground rather than being a faceless bureaucrat gave one a more authoritarian aura. When she was a Captain it had always been her people stood to attention to.

"Kathryn," came his warm, deep and sensuous voice. She shivered at the sound. He wasn't cross any longer. He didn't even seem upset.

"Chakotay," she said, turning around fully to face him, noticing how well his suit fitted him.

What the hell was this? He'd stormed out on her less than 24 hours ago, to disappear without a trace, not even checking in to tell her he was okay and here they both were pretending it happened. She was so confused and angry she didn't know what to say next. Certainly not if she wanted to avoid a stand-up row in the middle of the party.

In the seconds of silence that followed, the cadet returned with another tumbler for him, grabbing it, Chakotay moved to take her arm.

"Why don't we get a breath of fresh air."

Making their way across the dancefloor yet to fill with bodies as the music was still at a low level, the former Voyager command team smiled and nodded at various dignitaries, pretending there was nothing more natural in the world than to be beside each other.

It was torture. She just wanted to ask him what had happened last night. She needed answers.

Stepping out of the wide double doors at the back of the room, they continued to wind their way down to the rose gardens Kathryn had adored while a student at the academy. She breathed in deeply to steady herself and found her nose assaulted by the scent of the gorgeous blooms.

He had obviously heard her.

"The smell amazing, don't they?"

A safe, neutral topic. Like the weather, she thought. Good, it's a good place to start.

"Yes, they do. I've always loved these gardens. And you know roses are my favourite."

She definitely didn't need to tell him that.

He led them to a bench hidden from the main pathway, sitting down on it and dragging her down next to him. She didn't fight him, delicately trying to balance her drink, wrap, dress and the stupid shoes.

He laughed.

"I see Phoebe did indeed choose the outfit again."

She couldn't help but return his smile, looking up into his eyes from under long, enhanced eyelashes, also insisted upon by her sibling.

"Yes. Not difficult to tell, is it? Kathryn Janeway: muse to the fashion designers of the Alpha Quadrant. God help us if I step out in something not designed to make some sort of statement about peace, or humility, or whatever political point it is I'm supposed to be making this evening." Her huffiness wasn't entirely put on.

Having to be perfect all the time in front of the press was definitely wearing thin. Some days she really did just want to be able to wear whatever she pleased without worrying about whether it would cause a major incident because Orion slavegirls had pinned the sequins onto the bodice.

"You look stunning, Kathryn. As always." He really meant that, she thought, stunned.

Maybe she hadn't misheard him last night. After a beat, he spoke over her thanking him for the compliment.

"I need to apologise," he said quickly, looking down at his toes, uncharacteristically bashful. "What I said and did last night, I had no right. I should have let you say whatever it was you needed to say."

She moved to interrupt him, but he put his fingers to her lips, just as he had last night.

"No, don't say anything just yet. I promise you, I'll let you talk about whatever it is you need to say in a minute, but I need to tell you a couple of things first."

He removed his finger, moving his hand back to nurse his drink, before taking a sip as if to fortify himself.

"I can't thank you enough for the past few months, Kathryn. You've been incredible. And I've been such an ass to you. I never even stopped to consider that you might be having a hard time too. I'm so sorry for that."

He paused, but she didn't say anything, knowing he wasn't done. She thought her heart might break for him. He was sorry for not considering her feelings? Like he had any capacity to do anything but just survive at this point. He was incredible.

"I spent some time with Deanna today. She roundly chastised me, you'll be pleased to know. Called me an idiot, actually," he smiled at her, as if he'd revealed something big. "And she was right.

"I promise you that whatever it is you want to say to me, I'm happy to hear it and I'll always be your best friend, no matter what the future might hold, but I need to explain to you what's been going on in my head for the past few weeks. It's not been easy and I'm not proud of it."

What could possibly be worrying him so much, Kathryn wondered. She stopped wondering as soon as he looked her in the eyes again, put down his glass and grabbed hers to place it on the ground too, taking her hands in his.

"Kathryn, I love you. I know I shouldn't be saying this. I know this could ruin our friendship, but I have to be honest with you."

She gasped, and tried to stand up. He held her in place.

"Please, don't go. I need to tell you everything,"

A tear started to fall down her perfectly made-up cheek as she took a seat, not wanting to make a scene.

"I know it's too soon after Seven, but I think it's always been there. I've never stopped loving you really. I've struggled with my guilt for so long over it.

"There I was lying in your childhood bedroom, your mother and sister caring for me after the death of my wife, and wishing you were there with me.

"I'm a horrible person and I don't deserve you. But I simply can't fight what I feel any longer. I have to tell you."

Entirely overwhelmed, Kathryn found herself mute, unable to organise her thoughts, let alone her mouth into words.

The snippets of his confession rushed around her head like a steam train.

He had said he loved her. He felt guilty. He wanted her.

"Please, Kathryn, say something," he begged, tears starting to fall down his face too.

She couldn't say anything. Anything she said would have been a jumble. Instead, she pulled his hands to her mouth and gently kissed his knuckles.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The questions were always the same: "Admiral, how are you adjusting to life back on the ground?", "Admiral, why have you chosen to give up spaceflight?" "Admiral, will you ever go back into space?", "Admiral, can you confirm the rumour..."

Usually the rumours involved her with whoever the latest celebrity the press had decided she would be "simply perfect for". Kathryn guessed she should be flatted that they thought she was worthy of all these incredibly glamourous, good looking, and often very intelligent, men (and the occasional woman) they named. Of course, the rumours were always false.

Well, almost always false. Perhaps there was one a little more accurate than the others.

She tried not to dwell on the idea that she might have stretched the truth when she'd put the rumours of a romance between her and Chakotay down so firmly.

This evening's questions were the same as always. But she was struggling to summon her usual patience with them. Her attention was far away at the other side of the room where her former first officer stood chatting to her mother, quietly and alone.

What were they talking about. Was it just her imagination or were her ears burning?

"Admiral... admiral...admiral...," the young male reporter was trying desperately to pull her attention back to him. She'd phased out for a moment there. Smiling widely, she tried to make up for her rudeness and concentrate on his question.

"I apologise, I just saw someone I must talk to, but I have time for one more question..."

The young man blushed as she smiled at him. Did she do that?

"Of course, Admiral, I'm grateful for your time. My last question is: 'What difference do you think the addition of extra counselling services will make to Starfleet personnel?' "

That rare beast; a question she not only wanted to answer but also an intelligent one. She should have paid attention to this reporter's name.

As she gave a full (and hopefully charming) answer, carefully ensuring to namecheck Seven and her mother and trying not to wince while saying either of the names, she thought about how to tackle what had happened in the rose garden.

She was in some ways elated. He said he loved her. But she was also scared. It was too soon. He was still such a mess. And she still hadn't told him what she needed to. That she loved him, but that the feelings pre-dated his marriage. How was she ever going to do that? He thought he felt guilty. He had no idea.

And even if they did both love each other, could it ever work with so much baggage behind them? And how would everyone else react?

No, the more she thought about it, the worse an idea this was. But could she resist him? She saw him every day, how would she not fall into his arms every time he smiled at her?

She was just finishing up with the reporter, who also wanted a picture of her standing next to him for some unfathomable reason, when a familiar hand clapped the young man on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, I'm afraid I must cut in," the smooth voice said, his brown eyes boring down into Kathryn's. "Admiral, I believe it's time for the dancing to begin and your mother asked for us to start things off..."

"Of course," Kathryn said, touching the young reporter on the arm and noticing him blush for the second time. "Do excuse us. Mr Chakotay," she held her hand out for Chakotay to take. he grabbed it and swung her around to face the dancefloor, coming up behind her and grabbing her waist with his other hand.

As they walked, he leant down and whispered into her ear: "That poor boy. You had him all flustered."

Kathryn looked up at him, perplexed, earning her a smile and laugh from Chakotay: "You really have no idea how amazing you look tonight, do you?"

She looked down at her apparel. The ridiculously high shoes were, she supposed, quite elegant. She didn't hate the midnight blue, satin dress, but it wasn't anything particularly unusual for her these days, low at the back, with a split from the floor to mid-thigh. She wore this sort of stuff most weekends now, all in the bid to show she had a "soft side" as the PR gurus called it. They were always worried she seemed "too stern" with her neat haircuts and starched uniforms. Personally, she didn't understand the need for all the fuss, but she was assured by everyone else it was a necessity now she was an "official celebrity" as her sister called it.

Her flummoxed look simply earned her another laugh as Chakotay spun her round to pose before they kicked off the dancing.

Kathryn could feel his hand searing through the satin at her hip as she looked up at him while waiting for the music to start. It was a fast foxtrot, thank goodness, she didn't know what she'd have done had it been a waltz. Far too romantic this evening. it needed to be something that allowed her to talk to him, rather than get caught up in.

But it was halfway through the song before she uttered a word, hopelessly distracted by the feeling of him leading her around the floor. It was wonderful not to have to think, not to have to plan where they were headed. The power he held over her was intoxicating. He called the shots on the dance floor and she loved it.

"Chakotay," he smiled gently at her, bringing his attention completely to her face, rather than looking around the room as he had been doing. "Will you be coming back to the house with us tonight?"

She didn't really know what to expect from his answer.

"I said to your mom I would, but if you want me to head back to the city, I can..." She could tell he didn't want that.

"I think it'd be good if you came back. We need to talk, Chakotay. And without the press around us. What we did, escaping to the garden like that was dangerous,. God knows who could have heard us."

A shadow passed over his eyes. She immediately felt guilty.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we did, but we've got a lot more to say to each other, and I don't want an audience." he was obviously satisfied with that answer, pulling her closer to him again, while avoiding another couple who were struggling with the quick steps of the dance.

"I completely understand that," he said, speaking the words into the top of her head. "I'll do whatever you need. Trust me, I'll do whatever you want when it comes to this. I just want a chance with you."

kathryn thought she couple hear her heart physically break at the sound of his voice as he said it. He really meant it.

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Kathryn's mother hadn't come back to the house with them and B'Elanna, Tom and Miral had headed back to their own home.

It seemed rather convenient that Admiral Paris and his wife had invited Gretchen back to theirs for the night so they could head to whatever breakfast appointment they had together the next day, but Kathryn wasn't complaining. An empty house was just what they needed.

As soon as she and Chakotay stepped over the threshold, Kathryn took off her shoes and threw them at the basket of shoes kept next to the door: "I am so pleased to see the back of those!"

He laughed: "they suited the outfit perfectly, but I can imagine they were torture to wear."

"You almost sound like you have experience wearing heels, Chakotay," Kathryn teased him.

"I do, actually," he said, earning him a Janeway stare, hands on her hips and eyebrow raised. "it's a long story," he lifted his arms as if to say he'd tell her another time. "Tea?"

"Would it be awful if I said I'd rather a gin?"

It was his turn to raise his eyebrows: "Not at all, a gin it is."

He headed to the kitchen to prepare their drinks. From scratch, of course. No replicators for Gretchen.

Kathryn padded along barefoot behind him, picking up the long train of her dress as she went and marvelling at how handsome he looked without his jacket and his white dress shirt undone at the neck, tie hanging loosely around his shoulders.

She sat up at the kitchen counter, on one of the high wooden stools, he turned around to face her with two glasses, picking up the bottle of gin and tipping it in, giving her a look: "say when". She allowed him to pour a very generous measure before putting her hand over his to stop him. he suddenly jerked his hand up, spilling a little of the liquor on the counter.

Was he nervous?

Surely not, it had been such a great evening, almost as if they were back on Voyager. After the high emotion in the garden and their first dance, both of them had settled into the easy friendship Kathryn valued so much. Had it suddenly got weird again?

He'd wiped up the spill and finished pouring his drink and the tonic before he settled down on the stool next to hers and took off his own shoes with a sigh.

"Computer," Kathryn called, "music, jazz, low volume."

It was the one concession Gretchen had to make in the house in terms of technology. If she wanted climate control and integrated communications, she had to have a central computer.

Chakotay smiled up at her shyly as the music started and he took a sip of his drink.

"Thanks. I don't think I could handle any more classical tonight," he was referencing the dance music form the evening. It had been rather earnest, reflecting the age of the charity supporters her mother had been targeting that night.

She paused, and decided to plunge in. Waiting wasn't going to make this conversation any easier.

"Chakotay. What you said tonight, I can't imagine how hard that was for you."

"It wasn't," he acknowledged, "but it needed to be said. And I really meant it, Kathryn." he rushed on, trying to get more in before she said anything else.

"I completely understand if you don't feel the same way, but I can't keep going without telling you the truth. I hid something important from you once before and you were, quite rightly furious. I can't risk that again; you mean too much to me for me to risk that."

She put her hand over his, which were nursing his drink and looked into his eyes.

"I guess it's an evening for confessions," she said, trying to appear and sound more brave than she felt. "Last night, when you stopped me before I could tell you what I needed to," he hung his head a little, looking embarrassed and started to open his mouth to reply. It was her turn to put her fingers to his mouth. "Shush, you'll get your say in a minute. My turn now, " she said firmly, but kindly. If she didn't get this out now, she never would.

"Last night, what I never got to tell you was that I had been hiding something from you for some time." He looked intrigued.

"I don't think either of us were in any doubt of our feelings for each other on New Earth," she smiled at him and he joined her, looking almost bashful as they both remembered the heat of the passion between them on the planet. No, there was certainly no doubt of their feelings then. "But what I've never said is that my feelings for you never abated. I've felt that way ever since."

She paused a moment not looking at him, focusing instead on his hands, trying to regain composure. That had been very hard to say and she didn't want to cry before she finished.

"I always thought that when we got back to Earth... well, it doesn't really matter what I thought then. When I found out about you and Seven. When you told me you thought it was time to move on with your life, I knew I had to try and stop the feelings. And I tried. I really did."

Despite herself, a lone tear was rolling down her cheek. But she didn't dare wipe it away, for fear more would follow if she acknowledged it.

"When you got married, I was truly happy for you. I remember reading a poem from a Betazoid writer some years ago which basically said you were happy for your friends, even if their wishes are not your own, becasue you love them and their happiness is what matters. It's not an original thought, I know, but it struck a chord with me. I spent the whole of the time you were on honeymoon re-reading the poem."

She heard him gasp and looked up into his face. He looked shocked.

"Eventually I realised the only way to get over it was to move on, so I started to date a littel and threw myself into work. It was a tonic, I gradually managed to tamp down what I felt until it was firmly at the back of my mind. I'm sure you've guessed after eight years, I'm pretty good at that."

She heard him laugh, tears obviously at the back of his throat at her "joke", as unfunny as it was. She was looking at his hands again.

"And then I got the call. It changed everything. I just knew I needed to be there for you. As your friend. As hers. God knows, I knew what that knock on the door was like. I can remember the numbness, the shock. And Justin wasn't even my husband. I can't imagine what it was like..."

He suddenly let go of the glass he'd been nursing and grabbed her hands.

"Kathryn. Stop... You don't need to explain. But I need to know. Is there anything left?"

"Left," she asked, not understanding.

"For me. Do you still feel anything? Or did it change for you, once I married?"

She hung her head. She felt so guilty.

"Yes, there's still something left, more than something. That's what I need to tell you. I never stopped loving you. I never stopped," she started to sob. "I betrayed her. I betrayed you."


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Wiping her hands on her day dress, Kathryn tried to pull her wayward thoughts into line. She needed to focus on tomorrow's meeting at work.

The latest cohort of cadets had just graduated and it was time for the faculty to decide on the next class to enter their hallowed hallways. Never an easy job and one that inevitably included some heartache for all involved, according to the logs of the admiral who had previously held her position.

Turn down a candidate, you "ruined their life forever", or accept one that wasn't ready and risk their life on a training exercise they were bound to fail. It was a very fine balancing act and one worthy of her full attention.

The problem was her subconscious didn't seem to agree. She had Chakotay on her mind. Had done for some weeks. And it was sending her loopy.

Bending down to pick up the colander she was using to hold the fresh lettuce she had picked, Kathryn let slip a little giggle as she noticed how muddy she was after titivating the plants in her mother's garden.

She'd hopped up to the Indiana house she'd grown up in last thing Friday after work, claiming she needed peace and quiet to study the cadet candidate files properly.

But the house was anything but quiet with Phoebe and her brood also choosing that weekend to descend on Gretchen. Fun, filled with laughter and perfect escapism, Kathryn had thrown herself into her role of aunt with full abandon. And it had almost been enough to take her mind away from a little apartment in San Francisco which housed a man with chocolate brown eyes.

Walking in the back door, Kathryn wiped her feet on the mat and started to make for the sink when she heard whispered voices coming from the kitchen.

Always too curious for her own good, she tiptoed forward to see if she could figure out what was being said without being noticed. One never knew in a close-knit family when knowing a secret would bring you great power over a sibling or parent.

Reaching the doorway of the kitchen, she peered through the gap between the frame and the just-ajar door, seeing her sister and mother sat at the large wooden table heads close together.

"Have you been able to get out of her if she's even seen him," Gretchen whispered, not as quietly as she thought.

"No," replied Phoebe, who at least, Kathryn thought, had the grace to look reluctant to reveal that information. "Mom, I think we need to stay out of this..." Never a truer word, thought Kathryn, indignant that her mother and sister thought it was okay to gossip about her private life. "But, I know how you feel. She just needs to get over this and accept that while it's going to be hard, she loves him and that's never going to change, no matter how imperfect the path to them both discovering that," Phoebe went on.

Kathryn was floored. She was in doubt that it was her and Chakotay they were discussing, but the idea that her Mom and Phoebe would be okay with a relationship between them had never occurred to her. After all, it was they that had helped pick him up after the death of his wife. How could they not see that she was disgraceful to be coveting him as he grieved?

Not able to process the thoughts, Kathryn impulsively rushed through the door, as if she'd never been eavesdropping, bustling into the kitchen with her salad leaves.

"Will these be enough for dinner do you think," she asked of her mother, hoping neither of her relatives would realise she'd been stood listening to their conversation.

"Er, yes, yes, I think that'll do us, Kathryn," Gretchen answered, sounding distracted. Kathryn moved to the sink, dropping the salad onto the benchtop and using her elbow to squeeze soap out of the dispenser onto her muddy hands.

Phoebe sighed and stood up. "Right, time for me to gather my menaces and get them to do their homework," she said. "Kathryn, when are you transporting back to San Francisco?"

"Just after dinner," Kathryn replied. "Did you want me to walk to the transport with you and the kids?"

"Yes, if you wouldn't mind, just means you can help carry the bags," Phoebe said, as if that was all she was going to say, but she suddenly turned on her heel, and walked over to stand next to the sink too. "Kathryn," she blurted, "I think we need to talk to you about Chakotay."

Stunned silence was all Kathryn could manage. Hadn't Phoebe just told her mother they shouldn't interfere? Kathryn stole a look at her mother. She looked entirely unsurprised at her youngest daughter's outburst.

Turning roundly on her youngest sibling, Kathryn Janeway was at full red alert: "What exactly," she spat out, "did you want to discuss about him, Phoebe."

"Calm, Katie, calm," Phoebe held her hands up in front of her, as if she was calling a truce. "I just think it might help to tell us what's happening. I mean, we haven't seen him here in weeks, he hasn't even checked in on Mom. We're worried." A brief pause ensued as Kathryn started to calm down, "About you both."

Taking a deep breath, the Admiral stood down and Kathryn re-emerged to look at her sister, all that was left of her flight or flight response an elevated heart rate and bitter taste in her mouth.

"Nothing, absolutely nothing is going on," she said truthfully, her head dropping and gaze on the floor as she wiped her wet hands on a cloth that had been sat on the draining board. "I haven't seen him outside of work, and to be honest, I've been avoiding him there too."

It was a state of affairs Kathryn's counsellor had been needling at, trying to push her to say why the friendship had been put so completely on hold by Kathryn. She knew why she'd done it. And she knew he was incredibly upset about it. He'd been sending her daily messages, each one getting shorter and shorter. She was entirely torn over whether she wanted them to get so short they eventually stopped, or that they would never stop waking her each morning at 5am.

Deciding the time was nigh to tell her mother and sister the truth, hoping it would get them off her backs once and for all, so they would finally understand she was just trying to make it right for Chakotay.

"He needs to move on with his own life, Phoebe," she said, looking her directly in the eyes, steely blue to steely blue. "I feel like I'm holding him back in his recovery at this point."

Phoebe looked confused. "But, Kathryn, in what way? He seemed so happy when you were around. He finally seemed to be coping with Seven's death and be living a life again. What do you think about you is holding him back. Has he said something?"

Kathryn shifted from foot to foot, not knowing how to put it into words.

"He told me, um, well..." and before she could finish the sentence her mother chimed in.

"He told you he loved you, didn't here?" She stood and went to her eldest child as she collapsed into tears and nodded that he had. Phoebe caught her mother's eye over Kathryn's head as it bobbed up and down in her embrace. She didn't understand why a declaration of love from a man she was quite clearly crazy about was worthy of tears. She'd only ever seen Kathryn cry a handful of times and this simply wasn't at all like her.

"Surely that's a good thing, Katie? I mean you like him too don't you?" A nod came from her sister, along with a sob. A reply came from her mother. "But you think it's wrong, don't you, Kathryn, you think it's too soon, that you are somehow betraying Seven?" Another nod. And a look of shock and grief passed over Phoebe's face. Her mother held a hand up to silence the youngest woman, what she was going to say didn't need to be said.

"Phoebe, put the kettle on. Kathryn, sit down," Gretchen went into full-on mother mode. "Now, listen to me, Kathryn. You can't help who you fall in love with. It's just not possible to control that. And while I know you need control in all things, this is one of those times we've talked about before where, you simply can't get everything you want. It doesn't matter how hard you push Chakotay away, the feelings won't follow. And just think for a minute about what this must be doing to him."

As she spoke, Phoebe came to sit down next to her sister, putting a hand on her knee. "Katie, how have you left it with him? What set all this off? The last we knew he'd talked to us about wanting to persuade you to go away for a while, just you and him... "

That was news to Kathryn.

"He wanted us to go away?"

"Yes, Kathryn, he'd sat down with Mom and I and told us he wanted to see if he had a chance with you. He hoped some time alone might help you both to explore your feelings for each other. See if there was anything beyond friendship." Phoebe was at a loss as to what could have gone so wrong.

"When did he talk to you," Kathryn asked, stunned that Chakotay had discussed any of this with her family. Her mother replied.

"The day after the event at Headquarters, Kathryn. He said you'd spoken and that he wanted to take you away to help clear both your heads. He was worried that you'd both been under so much emotional stress and press scrutiny that you'd never find out what you really felt for each other until you were able to talk properly away from it all. He said he feared you were a little overwhelmed by everything. But he wouldn't tell us any more than that."

Kathryn sighed. She'd started her campaign to stay away from him that day. The morning after their mutual declarations of love, she'd woken with him in the room next door in her mother's house. Still wearing her outfit from the previous night and hungover, she'd gathered her overnight bag quietly, stealing away to the transport station barefooted.

She'd fled to her childhood bedroom shortly after she'd burst into tears on him, telling him about her betrayal of Seven. She couldn't face his reassurances that it was all okay. Of course it wasn't okay. And lying on her bed, she'd resisted the temptation to let him into the room, despite his knocking for well over an hour, pleading with her. He just couldn't see how bad an idea it was to let it go any further. Her heart broke all over again that night as she eventually heard him head to the spare room next door. She must have been so exhausted she fell asleep still crying into her pillow. She'd never shed this many tears over a man before. Not even after the accident.

"I haven't spoken to him since the night before," Kathryn admitted. "I wanted to give him a chance to really think about it. how bad an idea it was. To prove to him that he could manage very well without me. I hadn't expected he would stop calling you two."

"Kathryn, have you spoken to Tom or B'Elanna since then," Gretchen asked.

"Not really, I wanted to make sure they didn't have me hanging on them so Chakotay could talk to them."

"Have you heard from him, Kathryn," Gretchen asked with more urgency.

"Yes, I get a message from him everyday," Kathryn looked down at her sister's hand on her knee as she spoke.

"What does he say, Katie," this from Phoebe.

"He just keeps asking to see me. Up until this week he was telling me about his day, who he'd spoken to as well. But his messages have got shorter and shorter. He's begged me to comm him, to meet him for coffee. It's been lucky I've been at conferences and meetings for most of the past two or three weeks, so I haven't even really seen him at work, other than a fleeting glimpse while I've been talking to students of faculty."

"oh, Kathryn," her mother sighed, "you must contact him immediately. And Tom and B'Elanna. Phoebe, no wonder they were so concerned about Kathryn. I can't believe we haven't had them over here demanding to know if she's still alive."

"I can't Mom, he really must move on. He has to forget all this nonsense of loving me. He can't possibly." Kathryn was gesticulating as she said this, her passion overflowing.

"Oh, Katie," her sister patted her elbow, pulling her arms down again, "He's not going to 'get over' anything. He must be worried sick. What did you think radio silence was possibly going to do? For a bright woman you can be incredibly dumb sometimes."

Gretchen let out an ungentlewomanly snort at that pronouncement earning her a stern glance form her eldest daughter. "Kathryn, you're just like your father, and that one next to you. Far too clever for your own good." Taking a pause, Gretchen sized up her progeny.

"Right, Kathryn, this has to end today. You need to reply to his last message. When did it arrive?"

"Mom..." Kathryn made to disagree.

"Shush, tell me. When was the last message?"

"This morning. I get them every morning at about 5am", Kathryn admitted.

"Phoebe, finish making that tea. The kettle will need boiling again. Kathryn, to the Comm with you. Arrange to meet the man and let him know you are alive. What you decide to do after that is your own business. But I think his proposal of some time away is an extremely good one. Surely after this week's student intake meetings, you are free for a fair while until the start of the new term?"

Kathryn felt like she had whiplash. Her mother had gone back to the woman she remembered in her late teens, all business and insistence she do things her way. It was strangely comforting. Neither sibling dared disobey her in this mood.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

It had been four weeks since Kathryn had seen her best friend. And she'd had a lot of time to think for the past few days.

Admiral Paris had, once again, pushed her out of the office for a holiday. She had another four weeks until she was due back at her Academy desk, fresh for a new intake of cadets and the start of her first full academic year in charge. It felt as if she'd been out of work more than she had in.

She'd spent the first couple of days of her leave staying with her mother and seeing her counsellor every morning. And she'd been messaging Chakotay everyday too.

It hadn't been easy sending that first message. But to her mother and sister's credit, they hadn't interfered, beyond telling her she had to send something to let him know she was okay.

And since then, she'd been working with the counsellor to figure out what had her running so scared from a man she trusted more than any one else in the universe.

Through a lot of soul searching and discussion, she was starting to calm down and see her fear for what it was. Fear. Understandable fear. She'd lost every man she'd ever loved to terrible tragedy or accident, including Mark, who thought she'd died. She still had a long way to go to see if it was possible for her to ever entirely feel safe again, but it was something she was definitely now wanting to work toward.

The messages between her and Chakotay had gotten longer and longer every day, with each of them sharing details of their day, both admitting to finding it easier to talk via text rather than face-to-face at this point.

Putting down the mug she'd been cradling at the kitchen window, letting her thoughts run away with her, Kathryn headed to the beeping comm unit in her father's study.

As she answered the call, she saw the face of Admiral Paris appear.

"Admiral Janeway," he said, quietly, and seriously. his couldn't be good.

"Admiral Paris," Kathryn replied, "Is everything okay with Tom, B'Elanna and Miral?"

The edges of Paris' mouth turned up as he assured her his family was all well. "I'm afraid, Admiral," he said, no sign of a smile still playing on his lips, "this is not a social call. I have new orders for you."

Now, that was a surprise. He'd been so insistent she enjoy a period of leave.

"We've got an issue on Deep Space Nine and I'm afraid I am going to need to send a few experts to step in."

Curiosity piqued, Kathryn felt her work mask slip over her face.

"No problem Admiral Paris, when can I expect my orders and will I be taking a team with me?"

It was the first time Kathryn had been sent on assignment since Voyager's return. It must be serious. Borg? Cardassians?

"You are to report to headquarters at 19.00 tonight and your team has been chosen for you. You've worked with all the officers assigned to you and I believe you'll be pleased with the team. This is a matter of top secrecy, you are not to reveal your orders or your destination."

"Aye, Sir."

Speaking more softly, Owen Paris let a brief smile through. "I'll see you this evening, Kathryn. Send your mother and family my love."

"of course, Owen," Kathryn replied, knowing it was okay to speak to him informally, "I know Mom'll be wanting to invite you to dinner shortly to find out exactly what I'm up to!"

"I'm counting on it, Kathryn," the older Admiral said, signing off.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Giving her mother a hug and a kiss on the cheek and walking to the transport hub was awful. Gretchen didn't cry, of course, as a Starfleet widow she knew how unhelpful that was, but Kathryn could tell she hated letting her go. She hadn't had a chance to say goodbye to her sister and kids. She'd had to do that via Comm on her way to DS9.

Arriving at headquarters, Kathryn had been met by a nervous-looking Commander, who greeted her at attention and called her ma'am. Still slightly smarting at the title, she'd been shown up to the same room Voyager's senior staff had been debriefed in all that time ago. She shuddered slightly as she approached the door, hoping the commander didn't notice. She never wanted to relive the days of constant questioning and judgement. It had been simply awful, even if it had a happy outcome for everyone in the end.

As the door to the room swept open with a quiet swoosh, Kathryn caught sight of a gaggle of people she assumed were her team and smiled. B'Elanna, Tom, Harry, Wildman, Tuvok and Vorik were all there. And as she entered the room and turned to greet whoever it was her former crewmen were all looking at, she caught a very familiar pair of brown eyes.

Chakotay. In full uniform and looking stern.

Next to him stood Admirals Nechayev and Paris. Nechayev stepped forward to shake Kathryn's hand. "Admiral, thank you for coming at short notice. Now you're here, we'll begin our full briefing," with that she gestured to the former Voyager crew to take a seat each at the long, and imposing table, stepping to the head herself, in front of a screen."

Kathryn took the seat proffered to her by Admiral Paris, right next to Chakotay, forcing herself not to feel the warmth of his leg right next to her own and instead focus on the meeting.

Nechayav waited until everyone was settled and looking at her before she began, with an Omega symbol popping up on the screen behind her. Kathryn resisted the temptation to moan out loud.

"I know you've all seen this symbol before and know what it means. At this point the former Voyager crew, and this team of eight in particular, are our experts on the Omega molecule. We've found molecules in a region of space close to Deep Space 9. Your mission will be to destroy the molecules as quickly as possible.

"There is one snag. They are in Cardassian space," Kathryn felt her stomach turn as Nechayev continued. "Admiral, Commander, your main job will be smoothing this over politically, persuading those who have created the molecules to give them up. We are fully aware this is not an easy mission diplomatically, and you have permission to do what you need to do to make this happen, but I also don't need to remind you that we really don't need trouble out there right now."

Kathryn nodded, looking at Chakotay to see his reaction, he caught her eye and solemnly also nodded his head, first at her and then the other two admirals in the room.

Nechayev continued, assured that they had understood her meaning. "We'll be sending you on the Archimedes, deliberately a science vessel to make our peaceful intent obvious. The crew, with the exception of their captain, will not be aware of their mission, and all discussion of Omega and your work is to remain classified and strictly between this team and Admiral Paris and I. Admiral, I believe you know Archimedes' captain from your academy days. I'm sure you will find Mr Frost most helpful. He has been appraised of your mission and is keen to be out of orbit by 20.00 hours."

Well, well, well, Dunkirk Frost, there's an officer Kathryn never expected to serve with. She certainly did know him from her academy days, her earliest academy days in fact.

Handing each officer a padd, Admiral Paris said: "We're hoping this will be a quick three-week mission, letting all of you return to your normal duties as soon as possible. One of the Archimedes' cargo bays has been cleared for your exclusive use. You will find all the materials there you will need to build a harmonic chamber. We feel this will be the best way to remove the molecules and destroy them safely."

Kathryn felt Chakotay shift in his seat. She knew why. The chamber was Seven's baby. She'd designed it, orchestrated its construction. Now we were going to use her work, but she wasn't going to be there to help. To distract herself from the morbid thought, she looked at the padd in her hands. Her orders. And a private note from Owen as well, with instructions to read both once aboard the Archimedes.

"Good luck, everyone, we'll look forward to seeing you back here for your debrief in three weeks time," Admiral Nechayav finished, indicating the team could leave.

Kathryn left the room first, walking toward the lift. As soon as the last member of her team entered, she said: "kit-rooms", turning to the eight: "Well, let's do this then."


End file.
